Be Careful What You Ask For...

Have you ever had one of those moments when you ask God for something and then immediately think, "Oh my God. What did I just do?" The question comes because you realize that He will give you what you asked for, only He will do it much bigger that you could have ever imagined.

I think I did just that tonight. I told God I was tired of my small, narrow perception of Him. I think I've managed to limit the things He does in my life, simply because I don't truly believe He can do more. I'm sick of it. So, tonight I told God I wanted him to bust through the walls I've placed around Him. I want to be blown away. I want to believe He CAN blow me away.

But I am absolutely petrified of what that is going to mean...of what He might ask me to do so that I can be blown away. I've been trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing here. I've got my Occupational Therapy goal...but I've got a whole year before I can really start pursuing that. A whole year to do what exactly? There's got to be some reason things aren't lining up the way I've imagined. I must have some other purpose for this year.

I feel like God's been putting something on my heart lately...and I think maybe I'm supposed to do something about it. I've already pushed it away more than once - mostly because this thing isn't something little. In fact it's something huge that could impact an entire city. I've had a hard time believing that I could actually accomplish much...And the truth is, on my own, I can't. But, I'm not on my own. I've got the power of the Holy Spirit inside of me. He can do so much more than I let Him. I can't help but wonder if this is exactly the the mind blowing, breath taking opportunity I've asked for.

Someday soon I'll let you, my friends, in on exactly what I'm talking about. But for now, I'm keeping it to myself. I'm scared of both reactions. You're either going to think I'm crazy, and well, no one wants to be crazy...Or, you're not. You're not going to think I'm crazy at all. And, that would mean I'm actually going to have to do something about it.

I'm a "Doer."

So I'm looking for a job. I have one more week working for the Lehmanns and have yet to come up with anything to replace them. I'm not to the point of panic yet..but by this time next week I'm sure I'll be frantic.

I've been thinking, and I have realized that I HATE starting new jobs. I have always been a hard worker. I've been thanked at least once at just about every job I have worked for delivering a "better than average" job performance. I guess you could say I've been proud of that. So when it comes to a new job, I've got to be the person that doesn't know how to do everything. I hate having to ask people for help. I hate not being able to be self-motivated. I feel like a burden to the rest of the staff. I just plain hate not being able to perform to the standards I set for myself.

However, it has occurred to me lately that the reason I really hate it is that I'm afraid someone will think I'm not doing a good enough job. I've been realizing that this is not only true in my career life, but basically in every single aspect that requires me to interact with other people. I try go above and beyond in everything that I do. Until now I've not recognized this as a bad thing. But I've realized lately that my motivation is completely misguided.

I gain my self- worth by constantly doing: by doing a good job wherever it is that I am working, by throwing three course dinner parties for my friends, by volunteering my time to work in the nursery and sing in the band at church, etc., etc. - you get the idea...

I live in constant fear that what I am doing isn't good enough for somebody. Even after a year and a half at my current job I beat myself up for forgetting that there's a load of laundry in the dryer that needs folding or that I need to make vegetables to stick in the refrigerator for the kids' dinner. I wonder if my boss thinks I'm slacking off or whatever. I never volunteer to do something unless I'm confident in my capabilities to do a good job - which means I don't try a lot of new things. If I screw up a song in the worship set, I'm thinking about it for the duration of the set. It's just plain silly.

What's worse is the root of this problem, I've delt with before. That whole bit about gaining self-worth in doing - that's something I've been working on for awhile. I still want to be a doer. I like doing a good job and I like serving my friends and community. But, I wish I could get to the point where the reason why I am doing is simply to honor my Father who created me in His image and gave me worth. All of that makes complete sense in my head.

I have value because He has created me in His image. I do things for others because He loves me and I want others to come to know His love. It doesn't matter how well I do those things. My God doesn't demand perfection. In fact, He loves me in spite of my imperfection. So what If my boss thinks I'm slacking off, if I cook the worst food my friends have ever eaten, if my band-mates can't wait until my time is up on the rotation. I'm sure none of those scenarios exists in reality....but the point is that if my heart is in the right place, it shouldn't matter. My God loves me for serving Him anyway. Why can't I make all of that make its way down from my head and into my heart??

Maybe I'm an Idealist...

I am often plagued with thoughts of how our world could be different if the church stepped up and behaved like...well...the church. It has occurred to me that we have hindered our cause with incredible severity by choosing to disobey one simple command.

We are commanded to be unified. In fact, in John 17 Jesus prayed repeatedly that we would be as one and that we would be "perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me."

Wow, did we mess that one up. Why did we think we could be more effective as many? I often wonder how we can fix the mess we've created out of Christianity. At times I fear we have turned it into something Jesus wouldn't even recognize. It sickens me to think about how things could be different if we had simply honored one request.

What would happen if one group of people as a whole across the world chose to put an end to poverty amongst whole countries? What would happen if a whole group of people decided that it was insufferable for people to die of diseases that can easily be cured?

What would happen in our own city if a whole group of people decided homelessness was not acceptable or that children living in homes with drug abuse was not acceptable...or name your injustice. We have an insane amount of churches in this city. What would happen if we all came together as one and vowed to heal this city of its brokenness for the sake what might be our only common ground, Jesus Christ, our Lord.

It's no wonder I've felt like a fish swimming up stream when faced with all of these injustices. I was never meant to fight them on my own. No one congregation was meant to fight on its own. No denomination was meant to fight on its own. We've been commanded to come and fight as ONE. So that the world might believe.

Expectations

I've kind of been on a roller coaster the last 5 months or so. For the first few months I was crazy excited about life...more excited than I had ever been. I was experiencing freedom in a way I had never experienced before. I felt like I was on the right track...the one that would lead me to a happy and fulfilling life.

And then...I went and ruined it. I was experiencing freedom because God was choosing to reveal small things to me in that crazy way He does...but I have found that He chooses to reveal small bits at a time. And, I have learned that I have an incredibly difficult time just being content with the part He's given me. I like to try to figure out where it is that He's headed with me. And you know what? I'm ALWAYS wrong. Somehow while I'm doing the guessing I manage to convince myself that I'm right...even though I'm ALWAYS wrong. Since I've convinced myself that I'm right, I start expecting things. This inevitably leads to disappointment...which then ruins that cool thing God was trying to show me in the first place. My expectations blind me from being able to see the direction He's really leading me in...or I'm so busy planning what I'm going to do next that I miss out on the fun part of life that's supposed to be happening in between steps.

I take what HE does, and try turning it into what I am going to do and then the whole thing goes to Hell. It's really quite disgusting...to mar such a beautiful thing. The Creator God chooses to share some of His greatness with creature as lowly as I, and I go and completely take Him out of it, assuming once again that I can accomplish something (anything) on my own.

And so that's kind of where I am right now. I imagined life in Columbus and I was wrong. I formulated a backup plan: Start the OT program at Xavier in the Fall. Complete my Master's degree in 2012. blah blah blah...Well, the waiting list sets me back at least one year...Things are not going as I have come to expect, and I've gotta tell you, I've been feeling a little out of it lately.

But here's what I do know: I am wanted here in Cincinnati for a reason. I can see things happening in the community around me...good things. I don't know exactly what my role is supposed to be yet. I don't know how my year setback figures into it...but I am sure hoping that I can keep this from being another thing I screw up. No expectations...

It's That Time of Year Again

You know the time I mean...you've been getting the invitations in the mail for weeks now. Maybe you have accompanied a friend or two to a store filled with some gorgeous, pricey dresses...That's right folks, tis the season for weddings! Ladies time for your seasonal trips to Vicky's for gifts (and those of us who are poor will go to Target...)

There are always mixed emotions that come with this time for me. It seems that each year it becomes harder. This year something I wasn't anticipating has made it even more difficult...There are many people in my life who are talking about having BABIES!! Now I can handle everyone getting married before me, but having babies!? Now, I'm putting a little bit of humor in all of this...but really I've been doing a lot of thinking. I really would like to be able to have children at the same time as all of my friends. I want to go on prego lady dates, and take my 3 month old to a play date even though all she (yes, I'm willing that I have a girl first!) can do is make little gurgling noises, eat, poop, sleep, and spit up. It seems like when I check the facebook pictures nowadays all I see are pregnant bellies or babies rapidly growing. I can't help but wonder when my time will be.

It seems that lately I've been hearing about how God wants to hear our inner most desires...that he wants us to ask Him for things. So, I have been asking Him to make this happen...but I'm having a hard time finding that balance between contentment and desire. How do I get to the place where I ask but am content with the timing in which He fulfills my request?

Entertaining Story...

I have another work story to share.

First of all, a few things you should know first: We have been trying to potty train Luke for almost a year now. He still has almost no interest. It is very frustrating. Second, it is common practice while I am in the bathroom with the door closed for Luke to come over and try to converse with me through the door. No matter how many times his mother or I try to explain to him that this is not polite, he still does it.

Well, yesterday I was in the bathroom. I was not at all surprised to hear a little boy running towards the door. I was, however, surprised by what came out of his mouth once he got there. "Is your penis down, Miss Carissa? Make sure your penis is down! Carissa, is it down??" I was trying to contain my hysterical laughter and was unable to respond in any way. A lack of response meant his question continued, and since his question continued, so did my hysterical laughter.

On Staying Here...

I've been meaning to sit down and organize all of my thoughts about not getting into Ohio State for awhile now. I've just been too tired to actually do it. I'm not sure that I'm any less tired now, but I've decided to give it a shot anyway....

Reading the letter brought forth a mix of emotions. There was the initial sting of rejection...cause, come on, nobody likes to be rejected. I'd say that probably lasted for a whole 30 seconds at most. It felt like forever, but in reality, I'm sure it wasn't very long. Next I was practically leaping for joy over the fact that I wasn't going to be moving away in 3 months. Then there was, of course, the "Oh crap, now what..."

Now that I've had a chance to figure out some sort of plan B, the reigning emotion is definitely excitement about staying here in Cincinnati. I have been thinking about all of the things I'll be able to do since I'm not moving. I've made a ton of new connections with people over the last 3 months. I'm excited to see what God has planned for all of those new relationships. In the process of thinking about moving. I also realized how much I truly love the city of Cincinnati. I found myself wanting to be more involved and saddened by the fact that I wouldn't have much time to do so. I truly feel like this is where I am supposed to be.

And so now I will continue on this slowly moving journey of trust and patience. I have had a difficult time giving up being in control of my own life. I like to make goals and plans. Once I figure out one part of the plan I get so excited that I just want to go out and get started...even before the means has been revealed to me. Now that I'm staying here, I know God has got big, exciting things planned for me to do while I'm here. I have no idea what those things are, and it is killing me..I want to just go out and...well, do it.

Until more is revealed, I am just going to wait for doors to be opened and opportunities to come. I'm going to keep building friendships and enjoy life as it comes...so until then...