Living Boldly...

Note to Self: Remember This

2011-12-19T15:20:00.004-05:00

I can say with much confidence that this year has brought the most growth and movement than any other year of my life. It has been the most stretching spiritually (and by that measure, also the most difficult.) God has continually brought me to the edge of what I have thought I could handle...and has made me go just a bit further. What has resulted has been the most lived year I have ever experienced.

Much of what I have been learning is about love and relationships. I began my journey of surrender towards the end of 2010. One of the first lessons I realized was that giving everything to God means letting Him be in control of relationships. He can only use me for others the way He wants if I am completely vulnerable and willing to love without barriers. This is a really, REALLY hard thing to do.

I know that all of this has been teaching me to see and love people more clearly and purely. At the beginning of all of this, God made me give over a dream to Him. For as long as I can remember I have dreamed of becoming a wife and a mother someday. I am, as God has created me, a nurturer. I truly believe that He has created me this way for a reason and that someday He is going to give me this dream - only that it is going to be much bigger, and better than I could have ever imagined. I think a lot of what I have been learning has been to prepare me to live a spirit-filled life of boldness with someone I see and love clearly and purely, who does the same for me. I want to someday be a family who follows God boldly and wholeheartedly.

One thing that has become quite apparent to me along this journey is that God chooses to use imperfect people to fulfill His purpose. We all have a role in His story of redemption and restoration, made uniquely to work in the lives of others. We are His tools...even though we are not perfect. Relationships are tough work. Sometimes even when both people involved are seeking and following God, conflict arises.

I have come to recognize this over the last few weeks: Sometimes giving a relationship over to God means swallowing pride and letting go of stubbornness. God doesn't lead two people in conflicting paths. He is perfect, even though we are not. Sometimes even when we are trying to follow His leading our imperfections get in the way...and we have conflict. However, if both people recognize that the other is seeking and following God, then it should be apparent that the problem is NOT with God's leading. Sometimes we are defensive when we don't need to be. We feel as if we are being attacked when we are not. Sometimes we are clouded by hurt. Sometimes we want to be right so bad that we don't recognize we're both trying to accomplish the same thing after all. We are not perfect. But as long as we know GOD IS PERFECT, we can trust that He can and will clean up our mess. If both people choose to go back and ask God to show where the mess began, He will. This, I believe, is the key to healthy relationships and a successful marriage.

I leave this here on this blog so that someday when my pride and stubbornness are winning, I can come back and remember this lesson I have learned.

Three Weeks

2011-11-27T16:08:00.003-05:00

I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed lately. School has been as busy as ever, and I've been trying to keep up. I've got a lot of family stuff going on right now, too. I was hoping Thanksgiving Break would give me time to clear my head, to de-stress, and get focused again. Unfortunately, it seems quite the opposite has happened. I have had more curve-balls thrown my way instead. Things just don't seem to be going right, and I'm trying to stay strong and keep trusting.

It is taking it's toll on me, though. My physical, mental, and emotional strengths are all waining. I've been doubting myself and feeling really insecure. It seems like every other day I'm on the verge of having a panic attack over my grades. I'm supposed to FINALLY start grad school in a few weeks, and I think my biggest fear is that somehow it won't happen - that all of the hard work (and money!) that's been thrown into this so far will be for nothing. I've been feeling insecure in relationships, too. I think it's probably just a consequence of the busy semester and the disconnect that comes along with it. I can feel myself fighting off a depression. There are three weeks left in the semester, and I am just trying to hold on for dear life and make it to the end without cracking. Sure hope I make it!

Love and Expectations

2011-09-30T22:42:00.002-04:00

For the past several weeks, I've been thinking about what it means to love others and how expectations often get in the way.

The truth is, perfect love NEVER expects anything in return. This is the kind of love God gives. The more we let Him work in us to create something beautiful, the more the love we give will resemble His.

It's hard though; I've written a lot lately about how we as humans have an inner longing to be loved. We think if we give to and love others, then they should then be able to give us what we think we need also. The problem with this is that God hasn't called us to just love those who are able to receive and to give in return. In fact, it is the people are not capable of receiving and giving in return who need it most.

I've been a self-proclaimed "doer" for most of my life. By that I mean that doing gives meaning to my life - doing at school, at work, and serving others. I've made it my life-goal to be others focused. However, for the longest time, there was a double-edged sword that came along with this. In order for me to feel I had value, I needed the appreciation and recognition that came from those things. I had a need to be needed. And so, even though I had this goal of being others focused, there was also a part of me that was giving to serve my need. This also meant that it was hard for me to not expect the appreciation in return.

It has been several years since I first recognized this issue, but even in recognizing it, I wasn't sure how to fix it. I think it was one of the first things God began working on when I started giving Him everything last August. He reminded me who He made me to be and showed me how I fit in to His story. He showed me that I had value because He made me in His image to reflect His glory.

As I reflect on the process that has brought me to this freedom I have been experiencing, I recognize significant differences in my approach to love and relationships before and my approach now. I no longer feel the need for appreciation from others because God has made me secure in my identity in HIM. He has made my only hope in Him. I know that no matter what others do or don't do, God is going to give me everything He has planned for me.

There are a lot of implications that go along with this realization. I know that God has called me to give and to love without strings or barriers. This means giving even when I will be hurt and rejected (because God gives and loves even though He is rejected). It means trusting that God will take the hurt and do something beautiful with it. He will bring people into my life who will love and encourage me, but also hurt me - so that I can give them the love they need and so that He can continue making me beautiful. Perfect love does not expect; it chooses to see people where they are in all of their imperfections and knows that they are worthy just as they are. When we give everything to God, He is able to make us secure in Him and to free us from our need for the approval and appreciation of men. We truly know that we are loved by our Father and we also know His love is ALL that we need. We expect that God will give us everything He has for us - And if we ALWAYS expect our perfect God to give us what He has promised for us, then we NEVER have a need to expect anything from imperfect human beings. God's promise is not dependent on man's actions. This allows us the freedom to see people and love them purely, exactly as they are.

I am still not perfect. God will still be working in me until the day I die...but I have had some serious remodeling happening in the last year, and it is exciting and humbling to look back and see what God has been able to do. I will continue onward, giving more and more so that God can keep working, making beautiful things out of dust and proving His goodness and faithfulness over and over.

"We were made to lay down our lives and give until it hurts." Francis Chan

You Again?

2011-09-14T09:42:00.002-04:00

It has been a physically and mentally exhausting week. School is in full swing, and it seems all of the professors decided this was the week things should start happening. I haven't slept well at night, which certainly hasn't helped.

Amidst the craziness, I've sensed an old nemesis returning; a voice I've been managing to keep away for several months now. The one that makes me doubt myself and makes me concerned about what others think of me. I don't like it one bit.

Getting rid of that voice has been one of the best things to come of this journey I've been on for the last year. I became aware of it, and identified it as Satan's way of keeping me from being bold and following the Spirit's leading. I learned not to listen to it, not to cave. I pressed on in spite of fear, and God gave me what I asked for; he made me bold and He showed up.

So now, as things are speeding back up and responsibilities are weighing heavy, I refuse to let this voice win. I will not sit around and sulk and make Satan victorious. I will hold fast and know that my God loves me...and that is all that matters.

You Make Me New

2011-08-24T12:29:00.002-04:00

If I've had a theme song for the last year of my life, it's been "Beautiful Things" by the band, Gungor.

"You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us....You make me new, You are making me new. You make me new, you are making me new."

To truly experience this in the way that God intends, we must give Him everything...all of ourselves, so that He can have His way with us. As I've previously written, that has been what the last year of my life has been about. As a result, I've finally experienced the freedom that comes with accepting the gospel of Christ and allowing the Spirit to come fill and make me new.

The last several of weeks of my life has been more of this restoration. I feel like I entered a new stage of the journey. At first it was VERY hard, and I wasn't sure where it was heading. But I reminded myself what the first leg of the journey had been about and about how God had proven to me that giving everything was worth everything. I continued onward, trusting even though it was hard.

Now that I've kind of come to the end of this leg, once again I can see what God was doing. This stage of my journey has been a lot about grace and a lot about learning to see and love the way God does - about letting Him break my heart for what breaks His.

I have a friend who's in a very hard place right now. In fact, this is the very person God used to bring me to freedom. God has asked me to continue giving everything with this person, even though he is not in a place where he can receive what I am giving. It has been hard. But I realized that something happened in the process...Yes, I hurt when I was rejected. But mostly, I hurt FOR my friend. For the first time ever, I saw him exactly the way God did, struggling and broken. I understood that God was asking me to give so that He could fill me with grace, so that He could teach me to truly see and love...so that He could continue to make me new. I hurt more than I have ever hurt before...

But God hurts every day for people. He extends His love to every person on this earth every single day and every single day He is rejected more than He is accepted. The hurt that I felt couldn't even compare with what He experiences. It was very difficult for me to truly see my friend where he was/is...but he's just ONE broken person I care deeply about. God cares for and loves EVERY broken person in a way that I cannot, and He sees all of them at once. I cannot even fathom what that would be like...to be in the presence of such brokenness with all of the power to fix it and not be able to because we won't let Him. What's more, is He gave us the free will that makes that rejection possible, knowing full well what the result would be.

This experience not only has taught me to see and love better, but it has also made me come closer to understanding God's love (I say closer, because I know His love is TRULY beyond anything I will ever fully comprehend.) I have a deeper appreciation for what He has done for me and a gratitude I've never truly possessed.

This IS what life is about. He will continue to bring light to the darkness, and one day ALL creation will be made new.

Where the Spirit of The Lord is...

2011-06-11T14:50:00.007-04:00

There is FREEDOM!

I have read and heard those words countless times over the course of my 27 years. But until about two weeks ago, I never truly understood what they meant.

I have been on this journey seeking the Holy Spirit for a little over 9 months now. I told God that I was going to seek Him, so that he could use me in the lives of people I care about. And I requested to see HIM. I wanted to be able to look at my life and see without a doubt where He was and what He was doing. And I wanted Him to use me for the good of others. What I didn't realize was that I was heading down the the journey on a road bound for FREEDOM.

God has obliged my request to see Him. He has done more in and through me in the last 9 months than He has ever in my entire life. But something else has happened too. In the process I have learned to give over my WHOLE self to Him. This has not been an easy process; in fact, it has included one of the most difficult and terrifying lessons of my entire life. It has included a lot of frustration, anger, and tears. I had given over COMPLETE control for the first time in my entire life, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There were times when I thought I could not go on, but each time I cried out to God, He responded in such a way that He was impossible to miss. I yelled. And He yelled back. And though I was absolutely terrified, I complied. I continued to surrender and trust.

Now that I have made it to the end of the lesson, I get why it was all necessary. Surrender is about giving all of yourself to God so that His spirit can come in and mold you into a new being - into the person you were created to be. God works through people, and so giving all of myself to Him meant also giving all of myself to others. This was the hard part...I had to make myself completely vulnerable before God, thus making myself completely vulnerable before others, leaving myself open to rejection, hurt, and abandonment. I had to trust God, even though at times I did not trust others. But that is how God works. Our perfect God works through imperfect people to make new and whole what is broken. When we try to control our own lives we get in the way of what He has planned for us and ultimately for this broken earth. (And we also give ourselves WAY more work and worry than we need to!)

Letting go of that control is probably the most difficult lesson for us as human beings to learn. I've had to ponder why this is. Why do we have such a desire to be in control?? I think that it is based in our quest to seek the approval of others. When we get down to the deepest layers of every human is a desire to be loved and accepted. And at our deepest layers we all fear rejection. We do whatever we can to maximize our chances of acceptance and to minimize our chances of being hurt. I think if we examined the things that we are holding on to and want to control, there's a good chance that they'll all lead back to one of these principles.

Last week at church the message was about a section of II Corinthians 3. It pretty much summed up what my life has been for the last 9 months. In it, Paul discusses how Moses had to wear a veil over his face once he was permitted to see the glory of God because afterwards his face shone so bright that it scared the people. He then warned the church in Corinth about how they were then wearing veils over their faces to cover what they thought was also glory (meaningful, substance). However what the Corinthians were really holding onto behind those veils was meaningless emptiness because it was not God. When the veil is removed (thus giving up control), then the spirit is allowed to come in and replace what is empty with substance and meaning. With this comes FREEDOM. We base our own view of glory on what we think will maximize our chance of love and acceptance and minimize our chance of rejection and abandonment. Though we think we have found the stuff that makes life worth it, we still walk around yearning for acceptance and fearing rejection. When we instead remove the veil and allow God to fill us with His glory (His spirit), we are then FREED from this fear.

The road of surrender (removing the veil) to freedom is not quick or easy. For me it involved a lot of yelling and a lot of tears over many months. But now that I am here, I can look back and see everything God has been able to do because of it. I can see how much better and bigger what He has done is than what I was trying to do when I wanted to be in control. It is a good place to be in, and it makes me nothing but excited to see what He will do with me and my life in the future; where before there was fear and worry with anticipation of the future, now there is excitement. Why was I trying to make it so much harder than it needed to be??

Human Condition

2011-05-17T11:42:00.002-04:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking since yesterday's post. In just the one day that has passed God has really been speaking, and it has my mind on overdrive.

First, I have realized the implications of what it has meant to let God be in control of the relationships in my life. I've been saying that this was what He was doing for awhile now without fully grasping what was happening. This has meant that I have had to be completely vulnerable and open to these relationships. Without being so, I would never have been able to follow the Spirit's leading. He has asked me to open myself up in ways that I have never had to do before, despite any fears I had about getting hurt along the way. It has been really scary and difficult and has come with a lot of fear and self-doubt. But out of obedience I have continued to trek onward.

It has occurred to me the most important implication is this: In order for God to truly use me in the way that He has created me for, this vulnerability is absolutely necessary. It is incredibly difficult; as human beings we all have but one longing - to be loved. Because of this we all share the same fears of rejection, abandonment, and hurt. Because of these fears we build houses of walls around ourselves to keep others out. In the process, we end up abandoning those who do love and care about us, thus doing the very thing we fear to someone else. It is a twisted cycle. The thing is, we are all imperfect, broken human beings. Because of this, the question is not one of whether or not we will hurt each other, but when we will hurt each other.

And so in order for me to truly allow myself to be used by God for His purpose in the lives of others, I go in knowing that I will be hurt and I will hurt others. But I also know that I serve a perfect God. I know that whatever I break He is capable of fixing and that whatever ends up broken in me He will fix. Living fully with others is what we were created for...We are not perfect, but God is, and only because He is this life works.

For a brief moment yesterday I had been questioning whether all of this was worth it. I had been feeling extremely exposed and vulnerable, yet I felt God asking me to extend myself once more. I told Him I would, but that I needed Him to show me that it was worth it. Despite the fact that I wanted with every fiber inside of me to turn and run, I refused to let the fear win. The first response I had seemed to confirm my fears of rejection, and for awhile I honestly fell apart, during which I wrote my last post. But by the end of the day God proved Himself to be faithful once again. I was reminded of how the times when I have given of myself in spite of fear, the times with the biggest risk - those are the moments that mean the most. True love does not come without risk. It is not something that is easy or comfortable. These are things I have learned. And I have also learned that nothing could be more worth it.

Another Semester Gone

2011-05-15T15:30:00.007-04:00

Another semester has passed, and as I feared, this blog has fallen by the wayside amidst the craziness.

I have expected to feel good about the completion of this first year; relief, accomplishment, etc. The truth is that I am glad to have completed one of my three years at Xavier. I am glad to have a break to slow down and catch my breath.

But I am realizing that slowing down is making me think about things I could ignore during school. For the last month of the semester, I was entirely focused on making it through. It was do or die. Now that it is all over, I'm finding that my brain is still overloaded - overloaded with the fears and worries I have been avoiding. I think they are all crashing down on me now, and I'm not even sure what they all are, but this post (though it may remain vague) is an attempt to sift through some of it.

For awhile now God has been teaching me about trusting Him and giving control over to Him. One way this has been true is in regard to my relationships with other people. I see my life as being about relationships with others. Last August I committed to becoming more intentional about praying for those people in my life with the hope that. God would reveal Himself more to me and use me in their lives the way He saw fit. A lot of my thoughts during this process have been documented in this blog; it has been very good, and I have sensed the Spirit's leading more so than ever before in my life. Perhaps the most important realization that I have had during this process has been that God has always wanted to be the director of these relationships.

As a result, I poured myself into supporting and praying for the people in my life. I've been fully vested, and although that has been extremely scary at times, I really have felt like that is what God was calling me to do, like that is what true love does. Lately I have been feeling very vulnerable and exposed. I've kind of felt like I've been in a downward spiral, questioning every move that I make. I have felt very insecure and full of self-doubt. It has felt like the beginning of a depression that I've experienced before, and I've been trying to fight it off. When it comes it is always a result of being too busy and not having enough time to stay connected to others. The last month of school was definitely a grueling one, and I had to work hard to stay afloat. Additionally, two people whom I have been very vested in over the last several months have recently shut me out - both at pretty much the exact same time. I am sure that they have their reasons, and I am trusting that they'll both work out their issues and things will be good again - but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I feel abandoned, and it is causing me to question every good thing that has happened over the last several months. I'm wondering if I somehow got something wrong or if somehow I could've protected myself from letting this happen all along. But I know that isn't how love works. It isn't how God works. Those things He did were real. Love and openness and community come at a risk. People are not perfect. They hurt each other and they break. But God is perfect, and He will fix this.

An Idea...

2011-01-04T15:06:00.003-05:00

So the whole point of this prayer commitment stuff I've been talking about has been supposed to be getting me ready for something else...something big. It's been a little while since I've written about it, so I'll give a little refresher...

I've had an idea for something big in Cincinnati. I have wanted to begin something that will reach across denominational barriers and help connect Christians with similar gifts together so that they can work as a single unit rather than as many individuals. For the longest time that was all I had. I couldn't figure out where to start, and it was just sort of there in my head. Then I realized that I needed to work on listening to the Holy Spirit better. That is why I have made this prayer commitment - to set aside a block of time to pray and listen for direction on how to serve and love the people in my life. It was my hope that this would spur more - that it would increase my desire for spending time with God, and that I would allow Him to speak to me more than ever. I think that all of that is happening.

I can honestly say that I've been hearing from God more during this time than probably any other time in my life. He has been giving me so many opportunities to serve and care for others during this time. He's been reaffirming what I'm doing. He's been showing me and reminding me things about myself. And now, I'm wondering if He might be giving me a starting point for this idea I've had. This is a new development - so new that I haven't really shared it with anyone. So I guess if you're reading, your thoughts are welcome!

This whole idea started when I started thinking about unity - I realized that there were probably quite a few other Christians in this city who were gifted similarly to me, but that I may never meet them because of denominational barriers. I wondered how much more good we would be able to do together than we do apart - how many more ideas we could bounce off of each other for serving. What if there were away to connect people together? How might we be able to do that?

In the past several months I have noticed a common theme of gifts in my life. Personally, God has been doing a lot of reminding me who I am and how I was created for a specific purpose. (if you've been following this blog, you've probably noticed this theme...) We make up a body. Each of us are gifted in specific ways so that this body can function effectively. If we aren't working together well, then our effectiveness is limited. Back in August I was hanging out with some friends and one of them posed a question: "Given your gifts and abilities, what part of "the body" do you think you are? I decided that as a nurturer I would be "the arms." Since then, these themes of gifts and purpose have been appearing over and over again.

I've been wondering if maybe the best way to organize this thing that I want to do would be by body part. What could I accomplish working together with many more parts of the "arms?" What would happen if we brought all of the "hands" and the "feet" together?

I realize that what I am proposing would take a lot of work. First, I would need to decide how many body parts there actually are. Then I would need accurate descriptions of these parts. Seeing as I am only "arms," I would have no clue how to describe what being a "hand" might look like. So, I would need help. I would need people who are established enough in their own identities to know what part of the body they are to give me good descriptions. Then, I would need to somehow figure out a way to help people decide what part they are. I'm thinking this would take place with some sort of curriculum or test. I can honestly say I wouldn't know where to begin. Then I'd have to somehow bring all of these people who have figured out which part they are together with others...Sounds pretty crazy...But if there's one thing I've learned during the last several months, it is that I can accomplish anything as long as the Holy Spirit is with me. Satan has tried to convince me otherwise on many occasions. He's been there telling me lies, but each time he has, God has shown me otherwise.

All I know is this: I have a crazy dream that every Christian in this city might come to fully understand his or her gifts, abilities, and place in God's plan and that in this understanding we might all come together in unity to create a fully functional and effective body of Christ. I wonder how we could change this city were this to take place, and I have a longing to find out...

"And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ. As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love." Ephesians 4: 11 - 16

A Reflection of Semester One

2010-12-20T14:26:00.005-05:00

I have completed my first semester of the Occupational Therapy program at Xavier University. The last four months have been a whirlwind, really. So so many good things have happened. I've been doing a lot of reflecting as the semester has wrapped up: About the things I feared heading into this new phase, the things I was excited about, and about how everything has progressed.

A lot has been happening simultaneously with school. The week before school started I began a new prayer commitment, dedicating a block of time during my week strictly for thinking about and praying for close friends.

I should also probably note that heading into this phase I was fearful that I would get too busy and not make time to connect with people. I had a period in my life, back when I was still a student at CCU, where I went through some depression. It probably lasted a couple of months. I haven't felt anything as severe since, but there have been a few times where I have felt myself starting to sink back into it. Each time this happened has been during a period where I was incredibly busy and felt myself disconnected from others. I was afraid that I would fail at my new balancing act, that my social life would disappear, and that I might find myself, once again, sinking.

But, as I mentioned, right before school started, I began this new prayer commitment. I have written about it in previous posts, but in a nutshell: I came to the realization that I had a strong desire for much more of the Holy Spirit in my life. However, I also realized I wasn't doing a lot to seek the Holy Spirit. I decided that since I feel called impact the kingdom through service and relationships with people that the best way for me to begin seeking the Holy Spirit more was through prayer for those people in my life.

I recognized immediately that it affected my motivation for connecting with people. I found that I had a stronger desire to connect with people and that I was seeking more ways that I could pray for them. I was being more thoughtful and intentional in how I related to them. I noted in a previous post that I realized I had been trusting my own intuition as a guide for serving and loving my friends. I really believe that this has shifted in the last four months. I feel the Holy Spirit leading me now. I think He has always wanted to be in control of the relationships in my life, and that up until this point I hadn't been letting Him.

I notice this is changing, with both longtime relationships and new relationships. Around the same time I was making this commitment and beginning school, I believe God was orchestrating new relationships. I began to really connect with some new friends around this same time. We took a weekend trip at the beginning of August and met for coffee the week after we came back. We noticed a common theme of new seasons of life for all of us and decided to continue meeting for coffee on a regular basis. It just happened that as these relationships began to grow, I was making this prayer commitment. With new seasons come lots of need for prayer, and God has truly been affirming what I am doing through them. With my prayers and my encouragement He is able to bless them, and through them He has been revealing Himself to me. It has been really incredible.

With all of this happening, there hasn't been a chance for me to be disconnected or to sink into depression. In fact, I would say that the last four months have probably been the most balanced four months in my entire life. Part of of this, I think, is actually due to my chosen profession. A big part of Occupational Therapy is finding a balance of occupation for our clients. We want to provide enough restorative, productive, and pleasurable occupations to promote overall health in the lives of the people we help. It would be impossible to learn about the importance of balance without actually applying it to my own life. As it happens, prayer is a restorative occupation, and so my prayer commitment has also significantly contributed to my sense of occupational balance. I also notice that I have been writing more again lately. This is also good for my sanity. I hope I can keep it up...

So I guess in summary, the last four months of my life have been pretty amazing. I feel like this post is maybe all over the place, but there have been so many contributing factors leading up to where I am now. I don't know how to better organize it all...I just know I am a big fan of my life right now...and I really hope that I'll still be able to manage it all once my course load increases in a few weeks...

Surrender

2010-11-23T11:00:00.004-05:00

There's been a lot of stuff going through my head over the last week or so. I wrote in my last post about how I've been fighting the urge to take back control from God over certain aspects of my life. I had no idea where God would take me with this further on in the week.

As mentioned, I was wrestling with a lot of these feelings for most of the week. Most notably, I was wrestling with this dream that I have always had of having a family of my own. I've always been a nurturer. Ever since I was a little girl, I was drawn to babies and they to me. I've always found joy in taking care of others - whether others are big or small. There has always been a longing in me to have my own family to care for and serve in these ways, but there came a time when I accepted that I was not in control of when this would happen. I knew God had made me this way for a reason and that He wouldn't create such a desire in me without fulfilling it. And so I began to wait. I rested in knowing His timing is perfect, and I trusted His plan was better than mine. In the meantime, I realized that there were other ways for me to nurture, other ways for me to be me without having my own family. I was taking care of other people's children for a living, getting in sort of practice rounds for when I have my own. I was serving the people around me. I invited others over for dinner often, and when hard times came for people I loved, I made sure to be one of the first by his/her side.

Though I have been aware of these qualities for many years now, God has been reminding me of them a lot in the past three months as I have been seeking the Spirit more. I posted back in August about being a nurturer (see my post about being "The Arms.") God has been showing me that He has created me this way to impact His kingdom, for His purpose. These are my gifts, my contribution to His story, and in His story/plan my gifts extend so much further than just to my own family. I have found myself seeking the Spirit's guidance for ways in which my gifts can be used. Quite honestly, it's been pretty amazing so far.

However, as I led to in my last post, I've found myself longing for that dream once again. Last week God and I had many conversations on the topic, and in most of them I was not very kind.

Then came Sunday morning. Instead of a regular sermon at my church, we heard three testimonies. One was from a woman who lost her husband tragically only a year and a half into marriage. She talked about how when she lost her husband, she lost all of her hopes and dreams. Every dream she had included him. She realized she needed to surrender all of those dreams to God. She found herself with her palms open and extended, offering those dreams to God, trusting that His plan was so much better than anything she could dream up for herself.

Now that image was already pretty powerful for me. That whole lesson of trust was one of those ones I had to keep relearning. In fact, I would say that was a whole chapter of my life that extended over several years. Though I wouldn't say I fully trust all of the time, I do think I finally began a new chapter of my life around August of this year. So, as this woman is speaking, I have already identified with her quite a lot.

But next she moved on to a very specific dream. She mentioned surrender is usually a temporary thing. "You say, okay well I'm not going to have kids right now. Maybe in 5 years I will." Huh...well, that sounds eerily similar to a conversation I just had with myself last week. (see post from last week.) She talked about constantly having to re-surrender that dream every time she passed a family playing outside together, how she had to continue holding out her open hands.

She moved on to a section of the book Captivating, where Stasi Eldridge notes the gift of women to the world - their gifts of beauty and nurturing. At this point, I had pretty much lost it, but her story gripped me even more. She continued to talk about how God was calling her to nurture even though she didn't have kids of her own. God was showing her children who needed mothering, and she was allowing Him to use her. So, I sat in church with tears running down my face, quite certain that God was using this woman to communicate with me in my current state.

I've been reflecting a lot over this story over the last couple of days. Last week was hard. I found myself longing for the dream in a way I hadn't in a very long time. I could almost taste it. I was frustrated with God. At one point as I journaled, I'm pretty sure I told Him I thought He was cruel to give me such desires and not fulfill them. I realized I wasn't being fair, but in that moment it was how I felt, and I couldn't get past it.

Now I realize what happened in that moment. Up until then my palms were extended and open. I was offering my dream up to God, surrendering to whatever He had planned for me. But just then, as I pictured a cruel God, I wrapped my fingers as tightly around it as I could...and I took it back.

Last night I was writing again, and this time I'm pretty sure I heard God whisper something. "You must give it back." And so, though my hands are shaking and tears run down my face, my palms are once again extended and open. Surrender.

Forward Motion

2010-11-09T21:11:00.003-05:00

I have always been a future and goal oriented person. I like to make plans and follow them. When I signed up for my classes for next semester, which starts in mid-January, I immediately sketched out my time in a sort of handwritten spreadsheet so that I could see how my time would spent. I figured out which days I'll be able to work and for how many hours. And so, right now, on Nov 9th, I pretty much know what my life will look like two months from now. This is how I operate.

You can take it even further than that with long-term goals. I've always had some sort of life plan. Throughout high school and college I had a time-map in my brain - one that designated pretty specific ages during which goals would be met. For example, I was pretty sure I would be starting my career around age 24 (an elementary music teacher, of course). I thought I would be married by 25, have a couple of kids by 30...You get the idea.

My time-line has pretty much been shattered to bits. I have made great progress in my ability to handle this fact. The whole idea that I was in control of my life was always a mirage anyway, just a figment of my imagination.

However, despite the fact that I have made such progress, it is a lesson I feel I keep learning over and over. Lately many things have reminded me of my age. People have been asking me how old I am, and I have had to respond, "I'll turn 27 in about two months." 27...wow...School is one big reminder that I am OLD. Most of my fellow students are around 20 or 21 years of age....which means when I graduated from college, they were barely into high school. Someone from one of my classes even once mentioned being in the 3rd grade during the September 11, terrorist attacks! Really!? (I was a senior in high school on September 11, 2001).

What I am realizing is really that I have tricked myself into thinking I've made peace with God's time-line. The harsh reality is that I've really only succeeded in pushing back my own time-line. So, for example, I have told God, "okay, so you don't want me to be married by 25. I still have some stuff to learn...maybe he still has some stuff to learn. Alright. Do Your thing. The truth is that this was also floating through the back of my head, "okay, so at 25, I'm not ready....surely by 27, I'll be ready, right?" I keep trying to figure out what His time-line is. Kinda defeats the purpose, right??

I WANT to let Him be in control. I really, truly do. (and really He IS, so I guess I want to be at peace with Him in control...but I digress).

I don't think these are uncommon issues for people my age. I've had enough good conversation with friends to know that I am not alone in my fascination with the future.

I wonder how much we are missing in the right now of our lives. How do I measure success right now? Honestly, I think success is mostly dependent on how well I am growing into the person God wants me to be - because the closer I get to there, the better wife, mother, and Occupational Therapist I will be. This means that right now I just need to focus on being the best friend, nanny, and student possible. All of these are necessary in developing who I will become...

It's certainly true that over the last 4 years since graduating from college I have felt "stuck" on many occasions. However, I am definitely realizing that I am not the same person I was four years ago..And that, is what I call forward motion. Isn't that what matters?

I Do...Because I Am.

2010-10-05T17:51:00.003-04:00

A while back (like probably over a year ago...) I frustratingly wrote a post about job hunting. I had realized that that I was actually more nervous about starting a new job than I was about finding one...because, I always have taken pride in doing the best possible work at every job I have ever had. And, new jobs make that very difficult.

What I was realizing around that time, was just how much my self-worth is attached to the things I do. I had recognized this as an issue of mine for awhile...but I didn't realize how much it permeated my life...how it literally played a role in almost every aspect of my life: The way I interact with my friends, my job performance at work, school performance, church volunteering...

Last spring I had a chance to work on this with the Free series published by Crossroads. I recognized the lie I've been telling myself for years, "My value as a person comes through the things I do." I combated it with truth. By the end of the series, I felt I was making some good progress.

I feel like I'm just now getting another piece of the puzzle...and oddly being back in school is what has got me thinking about it all again. I am an Occupational Therapy major. The definition of "occupation," is anything that one does at any given time. It literally translates "to occupy" or to "seize time." I honestly almost chuckled when I realized how connected my chosen profession was to my own issues. As Occupational Therapists, we are obligated to help people to do things that hold meaning to them. This means that in devising a therapy program for any given patient, I must first learn who that patient is...so that I can know what kinds of occupations give that specific person meaning.

I'm realizing that the things we do flow out of who we are. I am a nanny because I am naturally a nurturer. I enjoy cooking and serving my friends for the same reason. Honestly, I have felt as if I've had a pretty good grasp of who I am and how I was created to impact this world for awhile now...But the part I've always struggled with is where my value comes from. The most important part of the equation, I feel I've been missing is this: I am because God made...I am a nurturer because that is who God made me to be. God has made me this way because He wants me to impact his kingdom in serving and loving and caring...He has made me this way for His purpose...and that is why I have value. I do, because I am. I am, because God made.

So many of us have it backwards. We let the things we do define who we are. What I think we need to do is figure out what parts of us come out of what we do. The lawyer needs to recognize what part of his being is satisfied in being a lawyer, the teacher in teaching. Why do these things resonate within us the way they do? Why do they ignite passion? This is how we find better understanding of who God has made...and in recognizing who God has made, we can understand why He has made. Not only will this make all of us more secure in our identities through Christ, but it will make us more effective ministers. First of all, we would all understand our purposes. Second, those of us who do understand would stop carrying around our own baggage and motives that keep getting in the way.

At least this is my hope: That in understanding who I am and why I am, I will be able to serve and love simply to fulfill my role in God's story, entirely free of the need for appreciation or self-benefit. I'm not there yet...But I think I'm finally getting there...

More on the Holy Spirit

2010-09-24T20:16:00.002-04:00

It's been about five weeks now since I've begun this new journey of becoming a spirit-led woman. I am amazed at how quickly things are actually happening. I've been saying for years now that I am a relationship oriented person, and that I want to be an active participant in people's lives...and I guess I always thought I was doing an okay job at it, too. But I'm realizing how untrue that statement really is.

Over the last several weeks I have been setting aside time during my week to spend in thought of and prayer for the people who are closest to me. It has become blatantly obvious to me that this is really a necessity if I want to truly be successful at fulfilling my purpose. Up until now I have been serving and loving my friends largely dependent on my own intuition as a guide. What I am realizing in this prayer time is that the Holy Spirit so desires to bring the needs of my people to me. When I spend time considering and praying for them, He wants to tell me how I can best love...And now that I'm listening, I get it!

It has also become apparent to me (already in this short amount of time!) how badly Satan wants to keep me from listening. He has been filling my head with doubts and lies, trying to convince me to not follow the Spirit's leading. This makes complete sense. He knows that he has no power over the Spirit. To be blunt, he knows how bad it would suck for him if all of us Christians decided to stop following our own intuitions and start listening to the Spirit. We would be an unstoppable force. People would see how powerful our God is and they would say, "Surely He is God!" The whole earth would bow and worship in complete awe. My friends, this is what God has called us to! This is how He wants us to live! Somewhere along the road we stopped listening. Satan told us we could accomplish life dependent on our own power, and we believed him.

I'm done believing him!

A New Chapter

2010-09-17T12:40:00.002-04:00

There have been a lot of new things happening in my life in the last several weeks - some very good things, and I thought I'd catch you all up (and by all, I mean all two of you who read this consistently...)

I've finally started OT school! It has taken sooo much longer to get here than I thought it would! But, I can honestly say that I get why it had to take so long. I know that there were things I needed to learn first. I needed to get to a certain place of trust with God - which turned out to be an incredibly long road. I still haven't found the end of it, but I have made some enormous strides that I think are essential for where I am now...So, now that I am here, I am trying to soak it all in and not take it for granted. Now that I am finally working towards this goal I've had for so long (those of you who actually know me realize how much not being able to reach a goal I've set for myself drives me crazy!), I am going to do everything I can to do it right.

I've also had a pretty big moment of self-realization in last few weeks. If you've been keeping up with my blog for very long, you probably read about some of this already....But, for those of you who haven't, I'll try not to leave out too much. Sometime last year (on a Thursday night, during a thing called Potluck and Prayer) I was praying. I was thinking specifically about a person in my life whom I really wanted to see God reveal Himself to. I wanted so badly for Him to be reflected in my life in such a way that this person would have no other option but to see Him. In that moment, I pretty much asked God to blow me away with something crazy.

At the same time I had also been feeling like I was being pulled to do something in our city. I had been thinking about unity and how our city could be different if all of the Christians came together as a united front and vowed to do something about all of its brokenness. This issue kept resurfacing, and I could not seem to get away from it. And on that night, while I was praying, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe this was the thing God wanted to blow me away with.

So let's fast forward a few months...

I decided I was supposed to do something about all of this, and sort of figured out kind of a general idea of what I wanted it to look like (I mapped it out a little in a post a few months ago...). But, I really had no idea where to start. Things didn't really progress, and I wasn't sure what to do with it all.

Well, last month I read Francis Chan's book, Forgotten God, and let me just tell you, it is a ridiculously good book. It is all about remembering the Holy Spirit in a place where churches are run mostly on our own gifts and abilities, where people seek survive not by the Holy Spirit's power, but by their own. I was completely floored by one specific quote,

"When I live by my own power and strength, relying solely on my natural talents to see me through, then people naturally praise me for how I am living. But when I am living in a way that requires me to depend on the Holy Spirit, people respond by praising my Father in heaven."

I realized that on that Thursday, this was exactly what I had prayed for - For the Holy Spirit's power to be seen and not my own.

When I continued to read, however, I came to one more very important conclusion. I am not ready to be blown away. In order to be blown away by the Holy Spirit a person must have a desire to hear from Him at all times. He or she must be seeking at all times, leading a life that is completely dependent on His direction...And you know what, I am just not there yet...

And so I've decided to take some steps to help myself get there. I think the first area of my life that needs some drastic improvement is my prayer life. I am a very relational person, and I have tried very hard to dedicate myself to impact lives through simply being a part of them. Because of this I've decided to take a block of time each week and devote it entirely to prayer for my friends - I was hesitant to write this post at first because I feel a little odd telling you all this. I don't want you to think I'm seeking praise for this decision. The point isn't for you to think I'm so great for doing this. It's because I want to tell you that up until this point, I have really sucked at this, and now I want to do something about it. So please, don't think that I'm trying to brag or gloat. I'm not.

It's only been a few weeks since I've started all of this. I'm still trying to work out the how, where, and for how long details. I'm still experimenting. But, I have noticed that because I am doing this, I desire to spend more time with people, learning about their lives and figuring out how I can pray for them. And I think that is a big part of who I am supposed to become.

What is Occupational Therapy?

2010-09-03T14:16:00.003-04:00

Most of you probably know that last week I started the Occupational Therapy program at Xavier University. It's been a few years since I decided this was the career I wanted to pursue. Since then, the common response when I have told someone I wanted to be an "Occupational Therapist" has been, "what is that?"

And so, I've decided to try to come up with an appropriate response here. Certainly, as I go through school my knowledge and understanding will increase...but I feel like I've got a pretty good grasp of the overall goal and why it is that I have chosen Occupational Therapy.

A lot of people hear the word "Occupational" and automatically assume that my career has to do with helping people with their paid jobs. However, the word "Occupation" does not only refer to paid work - it literally means "to occupy." So, the question is truly, "How do you occupy yourself?" In Occupational Therapy, we help people to occupy themselves well. Because we perform so many occupations throughout the day, it is a very broad therapy.

Just think about everything you do when you get up in the morning. Most of you probably shower, get dressed, brush your teeth...Some of you eat breakfast or make coffee. The ability to wear clothes, cleanse oneself, and eat are pretty essential for surviving. Occupational Therapists help people to do all of these things.

But not all Occupations are performed in order to ensure survival. We do some of them for fun. Children play games, run, jump, color pictures. Adults knit, crochet, cook, work on cars...etc...There are a variety of skills that are necessary to perform these tasks. In order to knit, one must have enough fine motor skills and dexterity to hold the needles and move them in the necessary motions.

Occupational Therapists work with people to develop the skills that are needed in order to perform all of the various occupations of daily life.

Because of what we do the people we help will have the best possible chance of living the best life allowable by their physical and mental conditions. A child who was entirely dependent upon a parent to dress and feed him will gain independence. A child with Asperger's Syndrome will be able to go to school with other children his age, because he has learned to write. An elderly person who has broken an arm will keep their dignity and still be able to care for himself. And, that is why I have chosen become an Occupational Therapist - because I believe that all individuals have the right to the best possible life available to them...and this is my contribution into making that happen.

I am the Arms

2010-08-23T13:36:00.003-04:00

I was having lunch with some friends yesterday, and we started talking about how cool it is that we were each created differently, so that we make up different parts of "the body." And that brought forth this question: "Looking at your skills and makeup, what part of 'the body' do you think you are?" (thanks Jenny, for the fantastic question!)

As I pondered the question, my initial thought was, "well, I like to take care of people..." I decided the best comparison I could come up with is, "the arms." I am "the arms" of the body of Christ. I have a tendency to take a good question and run with it in my head, so today I've been thinking about how being "the arms" plays out in my life.

It's easy to see in my profession - I take care of kids for a living! And the only reason I take care of other people's kids is because I don't yet have any of my own. And the only reason I so badly want children of my own is because deep within me, I am a nurturer. The arms.

It's the reason I can always make a baby fall asleep. It's the reason I find joy in cooking for and meeting the needs of my friends...

I've been thinking, though, that along with being a nurturer comes the desire to be a "fixer." That's okay when it comes to my job with the kids. If someone falls down and skins a knee, I can scoop them up in my arms, and in just a moment the pain of a scrape is forgotten. There are many other times, though, when I can't fix it. If I'm hanging out with a child who, by all measurements, got the short end of the stick when it comes to life, an embrace will only make the pain go away for that moment. Then I must send them back to what is mostly a painful life and watch as I can do nothing more. My friends go through intense seasons of pain and hurt, and my heart longs to be able to do something more...

The truth is, however...It isn't my job to be the fixer. That is a role reserved only for my Father above, the healer of all pain.

So then, what exactly is my role as "the arms?"

I think the great Healer uses me as a tool - so that I might be a tangible representation of the healing (or fixing) He is doing within. So that when I listen to my friend they might know He is listening. So that when I wrap my arms around them, they might feel His arms surrounding them. So that in my comforting, they might know His comforting.

When I think about it, that is so much more poignant than anything I could ever hope to accomplish on my own. It makes me wonder what made Him choose me to fulfill such an incredibly important role. It's a very humbling realization. And it's an incredible reminder of the kind of "purpose" God has given to each of us.

I think from now on, I'll leave the fixing to Him...

On Cussing

2010-08-11T12:47:00.010-04:00

This topic seems to keep coming up in conversation. My view has changed a lot over the years, but here is what I've come to decide...

First of all, I've been going to church pretty much since I was born. I grew up in a quaint little small town church, and I pretty much knew that cussing was bad from the time I could speak. In fact, of all of the things I knew to steer away from in order to be a "good Christian," cussing probably topped the list.

There are two passages I can recall being used countless times to reiterate this point.

"But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints, and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting but rather giving of thanks" Ephesians 5: 3 - 4 (NASB)

" But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way." James 3: 8 - 10 (NASB)

Growing up when I read or heard these verses, the only thing I really heard was, "do not cuss." When I read them now, they mean so much more than that.

I think the point of these verses is far less about what words come out of our mouths and much more about how we use the words that come out of our mouths.

On filthiness - Sometimes we put our words together in such a way to create gossip. Sometimes they form sexual innuendos and crude jokes. Sounds pretty filthy to me. And yet, I do not think any of those forms of filth require "cussing."

Sometimes we use our words to bless our Father and sometimes we use them to curse our brother. If I want to use my words to hurt my brother, do I really need to use our worldly "curse" words to do so? It seems that any of those "curse substitutes" would do the job, doesn't it? That whole system just seems a bit silly to me. Somebody somewhere (who I might point out wasn't God) decided this set of words was inherently "bad." And so, some other people decided to create a bunch of words that sound eerily similar to the "bad" words and essentially have the same meaning, yet somehow are "good?" You see, I don't think God has the same standards on words as we do. He cares not about the word itself, but about what we do with it.

I think the point of these verses is to choose our words carefully and intentionally so that we only make conversation that is pleasing to God.

Furthermore, I believe our adamant stance against cussing has, in some ways, really hindered our mission. We are called, as Christians, to love people for who they are: children of God. Let's say I'm involved in a serious conversation with someone, and she's pouring out her heart to me. Maybe there's some serious hurt in there, and the only phrase that will even come close to describing how she's feeling in that moment requires the use of a "cuss" word. But, because my friend knows I'm a Christian, she decides to censor that feeling for my "protection." In that moment, my friend has made a decision based on the thought that i care more about the words coming out of her mouth than the feelings that have inspired them. And that, my friends, I have a serious problem with.

Sometimes there are just no other words that capture the essence of our state of mind. And I think that's okay. I think that in order to truly, authentically be ourselves sometimes a cuss word or two might just be necessary...

Now before some of you start thinking I've gone off the deep end, let me just say this: I am not advocating that Christians everywhere start throwing around cuss words whenever they wish. As I said, we should choose our words carefully and intentionally. If every other word that comes out of your mouth is a four letter word, I think most people would consider that pretty careless....I just really wish we would stop being so concerned with words and start being more concerned with people.

**Extra side note

I posted this last night, and I've kind of being waiting for someone to "let me have it" and go on a rant about how we're called to be "different from the world," which as it turns out is a notion I agree with....HOWEVER, I believe that a system that gives some words more weight with regard to their potential to hurt someone or create filth is a WORLDLY system...and that by adhering to such a system we are, in fact, just like the world. So, by treating each word as an equal, I am simply choosing to honor God's system instead of ours...Isn't that the kind of "different" we're supposed to be?

Something's Gotta Give

2010-07-11T17:33:00.007-04:00

When I went to visit my family for the 4th of July last week, I heard a lot about "defending" our Christian faith and morals in what is our, obviously, deteriorating nation. There was a lot of complaining about "the system" and how flawed it is, allowing people who don't want to work to breeze on through while hard-working middle class people get nothing. I heard about how homosexuality and other forms of sexual immorality are taking over our country and basically our country is going down the tubes, and well you know, blah blah blah....

I am certainly not going to say that I disagree that our culture has taken drastic turns in the wrong direction. However, I'm not sure that we, as Christians, are doing much to change the situation. Sure we "take a stand" and let everyone know how against gay marriage we are. We tell girls they need to put on clothes. We stand on the sidelines and point and judge and tell people they need to change their lives "or else..."

But let me ask, what good has all of that done? What is our main priority supposed to be? Is it to change the moral culture of our country or is it to bring souls to Jesus Christ?

Our system will not change until our people change. Voting "no" on gay marriage isn't going to stop homosexuality, and it certainly isn't going to bring them closer to Christ.

The only way people are going to change their lives is if we step up and show them there is a better life. Right now we're doing a lousy job. We're showing them they have two choices. They can keep living how they're living or they can turn into one of us. To be one of us they'd have to start pointing fingers at all of the people they now consider friends, people who now have their backs no matter what. A gay person can keep living the gay lifestyle or they can turn into a person who judges gays. A prostitute can continue being a prostitute or turn into a person who judges prostitutes. Keep living off of welfare or become embittered and angry at everyone who lives off of welfare. Boy, that's a tough decision, isn't it?

We are approaching this cultural down-spiral from the wrong direction. In "taking a stand" we are only making it worse. We're so anti-American culture that we are making the American people more resentful of Christ.

In order to show them there is a better way, we need to be Christ. Not talk Christ, but be Christ. We need to go to them and become a part of their lives. We need to love them unconditionally. We need welcome them into our communities without judgment, so that they can see who Christ really is. We need to let them see our joy, which comes from freedom in Christ. They need to see us as a community of people who love and take care of each other, a people who love and take care of the poor...

If we truly represent Christ, they will want what we have. People flocked to Jesus everywhere he went. The disciples were "adding daily to their numbers." If we be Jesus they will flock, and we will add. The people will change. And because the people change, the system will change.

Just Gotta Say It...

2010-03-23T13:30:00.004-04:00

*Disclaimer: The following post contains a rant about reactions to the passage of the healthcare bill. You will not find my opinion on the bill anywhere in said content. My intent is not to change anyone's view of the bill, but to bring a little perspective to the situation as a whole.

Since the passage of the healthcare bill, I have been both disgusted and dissapointed with much of the reaction I have heard and read. I am appalled by the amount of ugly name calling that has been going about. On a large scale, I have heard about racial slurs and homophobic name calling...But perhaps what bothers me the most is the amount of disrespectful name calling out of my fellow Christians in web posts, such as facebook and twitter.

May I remind you all that Jesus did not come to further some political agenda! In fact, that was one of the biggest problems the Jews had with him. They expected a Messiah who would wage their political war and instead they got this man, Jesus, who walked around healing and befriending the unlovable.

I am not saying that we ought not to have political opinions. Our democratic society necessitates it. What I am saying is that we ought to be respectful in our opinions. There are intelligent, God-loving people on both sides of the political spectrum, each seeking to further God's kingdom. It is downright arrogant to assume that your opinion is automatically right, and therefore the only one that matters.

I also think that it is important for us, as Christians, to keep track of our priorities. Jesus' main goal on this earth was never about politics! So, yes, have informed opinions and involve yourself in the political process: But don't let your political opinion be all that defines you as a Christian! That isn't how Jesus operated, and it shouldn't be how we operate either. I bet any average Joe from the street could tell you most Christians are against abortion and homosexuality. But most people couldn't tell you at all that Christians care about the poor and the helpless. Most people couldn't tell you that Christians are generous, loving people. The experience most people have with Christians does not line up at all with the heart of the gospel of Christ. This, I believe, is in large part due to our over-zealous pursuit of political agendas. Our first priority should be the people, as was Christ's.

In fact, I believe, much of the political debate would go away were we to actually be Christ in a suffering nation. If the church fulfilled her duty and took care of the poor the way she is commanded, how many government programs would then be unnecessary? The morale, I suppose, is a common one "Keep your focus on Christ, and everything else will fall into place." How many times must we learn?

End soapbox.

A Long Time Coming

2010-03-04T11:22:00.002-05:00

So in a few previous posts I have eluded to some big sort of plan that I have wanted to put into motion. It's been awhile now, and I still haven't clued the blog world into what in the world I've been talking about. This is mostly because I haven't had a clue where to start with this thing.

Well, here it is folks...

Over the past year or so God has been placing the subject of unity on my heart. I've been thinking a lot about how the early church was able to have such impact in their communities. The biggest difference, I think, between how they did things and how we do things is that they actually functioned as single unit. There is a reason why unity is a main topic in nearly all of Paul's letters. Jesus called us to be as one "so that the world might believe." That line keeps echoing in my head. I've been wondering how we could do better...what it would look like if all of the Christians in our city had a way of coming together and working for the good of the kingdom. It is a dream of mine that the needy people of our city will be able to say without a doubt, "The Christians here really care about us..." Not that "Well, that baptist church over there..." or "There's a good church over on..." I want us to just be the "Church at Cincinnati."

So all of that has really been pretty overwhelming. I haven't really had a place to start, and it has taken me awhile to get any sort of concept of what I want that to look like. Basically this is what I've come up with so far.

I want to be a connector. What I mean by that is this: I want to form some sort of place where Christians can go to meet other Christians who have very similar gifts, goals, and dreams as far as serving and loving our communities so that they can team up and tackle those goals and dreams together. I feel like we all have so many different talents and gifts, and that there are probably many Christians across our city who share some of those talents and are working toward the same goals. However, because we all attend different kinds of churches and lead different lives, I might not ever get a chance to meet some of those people who are working for the same things I am. I think somehow we need to fix this.

I still don't know how that will all come together, but those are the ideas in my head so far. I think maybe I was given a place to start today. This morning I met with someone who is head of a Community Action Team in Price Hill. One of their main goals is to get all of the churches in the area working and planning events together. They meet once a month to gather people and ideas. I'm going to start going to their meetings and hopefully helping out with some of the things they are doing. I am very excited to see how God could use this team to spur some new ideas and perhaps give me a next step...

So, my friends, I ask that you pray. Pray for me that I will be open and able to go wherever God takes this, and mostly - Pray for our city! I have big dreams for her, ("she"is a queen, right?) and I know that God does too.

Year 26 (2010)

2010-01-14T22:43:00.003-05:00

So it's been four months since I last posted here. The saddest part of that statement is that in those four months, I don't really feel like I accomplished much. It's as if I blinked, and now here we are, in January of the year 2010.

2010...wow...I'll be 26 in less than two days now. I've been doing a lot of contemplating over what I want this year to hold. So far it's been a jumbled mess in my head. I feel like I'm coming off of a slump, really. I've been caught up in the mundane routine of life here lately - walking around in a fog. As I've considered 2010, I've basically concluded I want the opposite. I want to really experience life, to do tangible things that help me remember that I am actually alive - and that being alive is something I should truly marvel at.

I finished Don Miller's new book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years this week. I feel like I read it at exactly the right time in my life. The book basically looks at life from the perspective of a story. Miller starts searching for ways to make his story better. Right now, there isn't really anything exciting happening in my story. I think mostly for reason of fear and doubt. I doubt that I am capable of accomplishing anything major. So, if some kind of crazy idea or dream happens to pop into my head, I quickly shoot it down. I don't go out looking for new adventures, because I'm afraid to fail. So much easier to stick to what's familiar and then there's that whole mundane routine thing again. It's pretty easy to see how I got here. And it's pretty clear something needs to change.

So for year 26 of my life in the year of 2010, I am going to let myself dream...I've got a pretty good idea of where to start (see previous post from four months ago...)

This year is going to be lived.

Be Careful What You Ask For...

2009-09-10T22:43:00.004-04:00

Have you ever had one of those moments when you ask God for something and then immediately think, "Oh my God. What did I just do?" The question comes because you realize that He will give you what you asked for, only He will do it much bigger that you could have ever imagined.

I think I did just that tonight. I told God I was tired of my small, narrow perception of Him. I think I've managed to limit the things He does in my life, simply because I don't truly believe He can do more. I'm sick of it. So, tonight I told God I wanted him to bust through the walls I've placed around Him. I want to be blown away. I want to believe He CAN blow me away.

But I am absolutely petrified of what that is going to mean...of what He might ask me to do so that I can be blown away. I've been trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing here. I've got my Occupational Therapy goal...but I've got a whole year before I can really start pursuing that. A whole year to do what exactly? There's got to be some reason things aren't lining up the way I've imagined. I must have some other purpose for this year.

I feel like God's been putting something on my heart lately...and I think maybe I'm supposed to do something about it. I've already pushed it away more than once - mostly because this thing isn't something little. In fact it's something huge that could impact an entire city. I've had a hard time believing that I could actually accomplish much...And the truth is, on my own, I can't. But, I'm not on my own. I've got the power of the Holy Spirit inside of me. He can do so much more than I let Him. I can't help but wonder if this is exactly the the mind blowing, breath taking opportunity I've asked for.

Someday soon I'll let you, my friends, in on exactly what I'm talking about. But for now, I'm keeping it to myself. I'm scared of both reactions. You're either going to think I'm crazy, and well, no one wants to be crazy...Or, you're not. You're not going to think I'm crazy at all. And, that would mean I'm actually going to have to do something about it.

I'm a "Doer."

2009-07-09T21:33:00.004-04:00

So I'm looking for a job. I have one more week working for the Lehmanns and have yet to come up with anything to replace them. I'm not to the point of panic yet..but by this time next week I'm sure I'll be frantic.

I've been thinking, and I have realized that I HATE starting new jobs. I have always been a hard worker. I've been thanked at least once at just about every job I have worked for delivering a "better than average" job performance. I guess you could say I've been proud of that. So when it comes to a new job, I've got to be the person that doesn't know how to do everything. I hate having to ask people for help. I hate not being able to be self-motivated. I feel like a burden to the rest of the staff. I just plain hate not being able to perform to the standards I set for myself.

However, it has occurred to me lately that the reason I really hate it is that I'm afraid someone will think I'm not doing a good enough job. I've been realizing that this is not only true in my career life, but basically in every single aspect that requires me to interact with other people. I try go above and beyond in everything that I do. Until now I've not recognized this as a bad thing. But I've realized lately that my motivation is completely misguided.

I gain my self- worth by constantly doing: by doing a good job wherever it is that I am working, by throwing three course dinner parties for my friends, by volunteering my time to work in the nursery and sing in the band at church, etc., etc. - you get the idea...

I live in constant fear that what I am doing isn't good enough for somebody. Even after a year and a half at my current job I beat myself up for forgetting that there's a load of laundry in the dryer that needs folding or that I need to make vegetables to stick in the refrigerator for the kids' dinner. I wonder if my boss thinks I'm slacking off or whatever. I never volunteer to do something unless I'm confident in my capabilities to do a good job - which means I don't try a lot of new things. If I screw up a song in the worship set, I'm thinking about it for the duration of the set. It's just plain silly.

What's worse is the root of this problem, I've delt with before. That whole bit about gaining self-worth in doing - that's something I've been working on for awhile. I still want to be a doer. I like doing a good job and I like serving my friends and community. But, I wish I could get to the point where the reason why I am doing is simply to honor my Father who created me in His image and gave me worth. All of that makes complete sense in my head.

I have value because He has created me in His image. I do things for others because He loves me and I want others to come to know His love. It doesn't matter how well I do those things. My God doesn't demand perfection. In fact, He loves me in spite of my imperfection. So what If my boss thinks I'm slacking off, if I cook the worst food my friends have ever eaten, if my band-mates can't wait until my time is up on the rotation. I'm sure none of those scenarios exists in reality....but the point is that if my heart is in the right place, it shouldn't matter. My God loves me for serving Him anyway. Why can't I make all of that make its way down from my head and into my heart??

Maybe I'm an Idealist...

2009-06-26T15:15:00.005-04:00

I am often plagued with thoughts of how our world could be different if the church stepped up and behaved like...well...the church. It has occurred to me that we have hindered our cause with incredible severity by choosing to disobey one simple command.

We are commanded to be unified. In fact, in John 17 Jesus prayed repeatedly that we would be as one and that we would be "perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me."

Wow, did we mess that one up. Why did we think we could be more effective as many? I often wonder how we can fix the mess we've created out of Christianity. At times I fear we have turned it into something Jesus wouldn't even recognize. It sickens me to think about how things could be different if we had simply honored one request.

What would happen if one group of people as a whole across the world chose to put an end to poverty amongst whole countries? What would happen if a whole group of people decided that it was insufferable for people to die of diseases that can easily be cured?

What would happen in our own city if a whole group of people decided homelessness was not acceptable or that children living in homes with drug abuse was not acceptable...or name your injustice. We have an insane amount of churches in this city. What would happen if we all came together as one and vowed to heal this city of its brokenness for the sake what might be our only common ground, Jesus Christ, our Lord.

It's no wonder I've felt like a fish swimming up stream when faced with all of these injustices. I was never meant to fight them on my own. No one congregation was meant to fight on its own. No denomination was meant to fight on its own. We've been commanded to come and fight as ONE. So that the world might believe.

Expectations

2009-06-11T23:44:00.003-04:00

I've kind of been on a roller coaster the last 5 months or so. For the first few months I was crazy excited about life...more excited than I had ever been. I was experiencing freedom in a way I had never experienced before. I felt like I was on the right track...the one that would lead me to a happy and fulfilling life.

And then...I went and ruined it. I was experiencing freedom because God was choosing to reveal small things to me in that crazy way He does...but I have found that He chooses to reveal small bits at a time. And, I have learned that I have an incredibly difficult time just being content with the part He's given me. I like to try to figure out where it is that He's headed with me. And you know what? I'm ALWAYS wrong. Somehow while I'm doing the guessing I manage to convince myself that I'm right...even though I'm ALWAYS wrong. Since I've convinced myself that I'm right, I start expecting things. This inevitably leads to disappointment...which then ruins that cool thing God was trying to show me in the first place. My expectations blind me from being able to see the direction He's really leading me in...or I'm so busy planning what I'm going to do next that I miss out on the fun part of life that's supposed to be happening in between steps.

I take what HE does, and try turning it into what I am going to do and then the whole thing goes to Hell. It's really quite disgusting...to mar such a beautiful thing. The Creator God chooses to share some of His greatness with creature as lowly as I, and I go and completely take Him out of it, assuming once again that I can accomplish something (anything) on my own.

And so that's kind of where I am right now. I imagined life in Columbus and I was wrong. I formulated a backup plan: Start the OT program at Xavier in the Fall. Complete my Master's degree in 2012. blah blah blah...Well, the waiting list sets me back at least one year...Things are not going as I have come to expect, and I've gotta tell you, I've been feeling a little out of it lately.

But here's what I do know: I am wanted here in Cincinnati for a reason. I can see things happening in the community around me...good things. I don't know exactly what my role is supposed to be yet. I don't know how my year setback figures into it...but I am sure hoping that I can keep this from being another thing I screw up. No expectations...

It's That Time of Year Again

2009-05-17T18:44:00.002-04:00

You know the time I mean...you've been getting the invitations in the mail for weeks now. Maybe you have accompanied a friend or two to a store filled with some gorgeous, pricey dresses...That's right folks, tis the season for weddings! Ladies time for your seasonal trips to Vicky's for gifts (and those of us who are poor will go to Target...)

There are always mixed emotions that come with this time for me. It seems that each year it becomes harder. This year something I wasn't anticipating has made it even more difficult...There are many people in my life who are talking about having BABIES!! Now I can handle everyone getting married before me, but having babies!? Now, I'm putting a little bit of humor in all of this...but really I've been doing a lot of thinking. I really would like to be able to have children at the same time as all of my friends. I want to go on prego lady dates, and take my 3 month old to a play date even though all she (yes, I'm willing that I have a girl first!) can do is make little gurgling noises, eat, poop, sleep, and spit up. It seems like when I check the facebook pictures nowadays all I see are pregnant bellies or babies rapidly growing. I can't help but wonder when my time will be.

It seems that lately I've been hearing about how God wants to hear our inner most desires...that he wants us to ask Him for things. So, I have been asking Him to make this happen...but I'm having a hard time finding that balance between contentment and desire. How do I get to the place where I ask but am content with the timing in which He fulfills my request?

Entertaining Story...

2009-05-06T12:49:00.002-04:00

I have another work story to share.

First of all, a few things you should know first: We have been trying to potty train Luke for almost a year now. He still has almost no interest. It is very frustrating. Second, it is common practice while I am in the bathroom with the door closed for Luke to come over and try to converse with me through the door. No matter how many times his mother or I try to explain to him that this is not polite, he still does it.

Well, yesterday I was in the bathroom. I was not at all surprised to hear a little boy running towards the door. I was, however, surprised by what came out of his mouth once he got there. "Is your penis down, Miss Carissa? Make sure your penis is down! Carissa, is it down??" I was trying to contain my hysterical laughter and was unable to respond in any way. A lack of response meant his question continued, and since his question continued, so did my hysterical laughter.

On Staying Here...

2009-03-15T21:26:00.003-04:00

I've been meaning to sit down and organize all of my thoughts about not getting into Ohio State for awhile now. I've just been too tired to actually do it. I'm not sure that I'm any less tired now, but I've decided to give it a shot anyway....

Reading the letter brought forth a mix of emotions. There was the initial sting of rejection...cause, come on, nobody likes to be rejected. I'd say that probably lasted for a whole 30 seconds at most. It felt like forever, but in reality, I'm sure it wasn't very long. Next I was practically leaping for joy over the fact that I wasn't going to be moving away in 3 months. Then there was, of course, the "Oh crap, now what..."

Now that I've had a chance to figure out some sort of plan B, the reigning emotion is definitely excitement about staying here in Cincinnati. I have been thinking about all of the things I'll be able to do since I'm not moving. I've made a ton of new connections with people over the last 3 months. I'm excited to see what God has planned for all of those new relationships. In the process of thinking about moving. I also realized how much I truly love the city of Cincinnati. I found myself wanting to be more involved and saddened by the fact that I wouldn't have much time to do so. I truly feel like this is where I am supposed to be.

And so now I will continue on this slowly moving journey of trust and patience. I have had a difficult time giving up being in control of my own life. I like to make goals and plans. Once I figure out one part of the plan I get so excited that I just want to go out and get started...even before the means has been revealed to me. Now that I'm staying here, I know God has got big, exciting things planned for me to do while I'm here. I have no idea what those things are, and it is killing me..I want to just go out and...well, do it.

Until more is revealed, I am just going to wait for doors to be opened and opportunities to come. I'm going to keep building friendships and enjoy life as it comes...so until then...

Just Plain Worn Out...

2009-03-09T22:32:00.002-04:00

I've been in a weird funk today. I'm hoping it'll be gone when I wake up tomorrow, but I've got a feeling it won't be. I'm feeling thoroughly exhausted lately, due to my attempt at balancing work, school, and a social life. The quarter is at its end, and I've run out of steam, which seems to be causing a downward spiral - I can only take so many weeks of constant tiredness without letting some kind of grouchy mood take over.

Now I'm generally a very positive person with a good amount of self confidence...but every time one of these funks settles in that confidence seems to dwindle away. And just at that moment I'm convinced that I've never been so transparent in my life, that anyone who even glances in my direction sees me for precisely the insecure being that I am. I start feeling like I'm not good enough for anything...or anyone. "I'm not smart enough...I'm not pretty enough...I'm not..." I even manage to convince myself that some of my closest friends only feel burdened by me. I realize that all of this is completely irrational. The realization doesn't seem to help, though. It only makes me frustrated with myself for not being able to change the way that I feel...and I still just want to climb into a hole and hide.

I suspect that as soon as I get a chance to rest the clouds will pass. I just need to hold on through next week...

From Luke...

2009-03-02T15:37:00.004-05:00

Many of you know that I have the pleasure of hanging out with one of the most entertaining 2-year olds on the face of the planet. For awhile I've been meaning to compile a list of phrases I hear on a daily or weekly basis. So here goes, for your entertainment:

1.) No, Sydney!
2.) But I want it!
3.) But I NEED it! (when no 2 fails to get it)
4.) But that's mine!
5.) I'm not hungry!
6.) I don't want to eat THAT!
7.) But I want to play with mommy, not YOU! (that one always cracks me up...)
8.) I want my mom!
9.) Is my mom home yet? (repeated every two minutes in the afternoon after nap time...)
10.) Sydney doesn't want this. (which clearly means the opposite)
11.) Sydney can't have this. She's too little.
12.) I don't want to go to the potty!
13.) Please may I have watch mickey mouse. (He used to scream when he wanted stuff, so his mom taught him to say, "please may I have," which he now sometimes uses incorrectly...)
14.) okay, I won't do it again. (yeah, right...)
15.) Sydney's doing something! (meaning, "something" she's not supposed to be doing. this is his way of not tattling...)
16.) You're silly, Carissa

That's what I've got for now, but I'm sure I'll come up with more later.

So Much...

2009-02-08T20:40:00.003-05:00

There's just been so much floating around in my head over the last few weeks. I've attempted to sit down and write it all out several times, and I haven't been able to put it in words. I think today it might just work...

The move to Columbus still isn't a done deal. I've got about 4 months left before classes start, and I still haven't heard back from OSU. I haven't really been letting myself think about the move much. I am extremely excited about getting started on my Occupational Therapy schooling. I can't wait to see what I can accomplish now that I will be combining some passion with the drive I have always had. However, moving away from this place I call home is slightly terrifying for me. I have established an amazing core group of friends here in Cincinnati. I don't know who or where I would be if it weren't for them. I've got an equally amazing church - a church that deeply cares about loving God and spreading that love out into the community. I can't imagine leaving all of it behind.

Up until now, the fact that I will most likely be doing just that - leaving it all behind, hasn't at all seemed real. This past week I have started to feel a change. With every check of the mailbox my anxiety level has increased. I have felt an unmistakable weight in my chest as I have begun to imagine life somewhere other than here.

And then something wonderful happened today. I was invited to join a group of people from church in prayer for one another. I was told this was happening because a number of us were in a transition phase and in need of some good direction. I went, and for two hours we prayed for one another. It was incredible. And, it couldn't have come at a better time for me. Yeah, I guess God is pretty good at making those things happen just when you need them.

I have spent the rest of the day in complete awe of God's goodness, and in that He has given me some more clarity amidst the fog that has been my head. Several years ago I felt that I was being called to a life of service - that I was specifically supposed to impact peoples' lives through relationships, loving and serving them. This is where my helper personality comes from. This is why I have such a great passion for depth and authentic community. This is why I have such extreme loyalty when it comes to friendships. It is even a big part of how I ended up choosing Occupational Therapy as a career.

Well, God has been reminding me of all of this over the last few months in various different ways. He's been planting songs in my head - I haven't been able to get to chorus of Over the Rhine's Born out of my head all week - "I was born to laugh. I learned to laugh through my tears. I was born to love. I'm gonna learn to love without fears." I don't think any chorus could sum me up better than that. He's been reminding me through conversations and even gifts. One thing that I used to do often to connect with people when I was at CCU was to hand out encouragement cards. I haven't done that a lot since I finished. I just happen to have received a set of cards as a Christmas present from my boss...and just in case that wasn't enough of a reminder I also received some blank cards as a birthday present.

Today I suddenly realized what it was that God was trying to say in all of this: "I have created you to laugh and to love. Do this no matter where you are, and the rest will fall into place." And so that is what I am going to do. I'm going to continue investing my time in creating meaningful relationships while I'm still here in Cincinnati, and I will do the same once I get wherever it is I'm headed. I'm going to be the person He's created me to be...and I'm going to trust Him to take care of the rest.

Fun Times at Work...

2009-01-27T12:59:00.002-05:00

I thought I would share a funny story from work a few days ago...

To preface, I must tell you a little bit about the two year old that I take care of. His name is Luke and he is absolutely adorable and full of all kinds of character. That being said, he is also the most high-strung, control freak child that I have encountered in my life. And so, if Luke wants something to happen, he doesn't ask...he simply tells you how it is. It's really quite funny, because he does it as if he is granting you permission to do something. If he wants you to sit on the floor and play cars with him, he'll say, "you can play with this one." If he wants me to put my feet up on the couch so he can run past without tripping, he tells me "you can put your feet up." If I refuse, he says angrily, "you CAN!" And likewise, if he does not want his little sister to play with something he'll say, "Sydney wants to go play over there!" (as she is reaching for one the cars he has in his hand...) So yeah, my life can be pretty entertaining. And well, last week, this happened...

I just woke Luke up from his nap. He was sitting up in his bed when he realized his toy car was at the end of his bed. He looked at it, then looked at me and says, "you can get it for me." (mind you, I'm sitting WAY farther away from the car than he is) And I'm like, "Oh, really, I can? Well, ya know I think you could actually get it yourself." He then proceeds to barely stick his arm out, make some kind of grunting noise as if he is reaching with all of his might (although in reality he's hardly stretching at all..." and says, "see, I can't reach it." I had to fight with all my might to not crack up at him right then. I guess laziness is starting earlier and earlier these days. I tell him, if he wants it he'll have to move, and he says, "I need to stay here..." So I say, "well, then I guess you don't want it that bad." He takes one more look at the car, sighs, and stays put.

Birthday Thoughts

2009-01-15T23:34:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I will turn 25 years old. If you would have asked me a month ago how I felt about that, my response would not have been positive. I'm a very goal oriented person. That means I measure success by whether or not I achieve those goals. And well, I'm not exactly where I expected to be by age 25. I don't have a "real job"...or even a degree that could get me a "real" job. No husband. No kids. No boyfriend that I'm thinking about marrying soon (or boyfriend at all...) Most days I've been pretty okay with all of this. I know all of these things will come in my life when the time is right. But birthdays, they make it a little harder. And so, for the last few months, I have been dreading the big 2-5.

But recently my perspective has changed. I can honestly say that I have never been so excited about a birthday as I am about the one I will have tomorrow. I'm throwing myself a big party . It seems that a lot of people are planning to come. Some I have known throughout the duration of my life here in Cincinnati. Many I met only a few short weeks ago on my way down to Florida. Some of them spent 26 hours straight with me in a van and still like me enough to come to my party! I am realizing that even though I don't have a "real" job...or a husband...or any of that other stuff I thought I would have by now, I actually like the person that I am becoming (at least most of the time). I am proud of the things I have accomplished. And I've got a damn good life, if I do say so myself. So ya know what? I'm going to celebrate with all I've got with the people who have helped shape me into this person I've become...with old friends and new friends, and it is going to be the most wonderful birthday that I've ever had.

Here's to 25 :)

Moving On...

2008-12-17T23:39:00.004-05:00

I finished Anatomy and Physiology I this week with an A. I requested updated transcripts to be sent to OSU. There is officially nothing I can do but wait...which means that I've had a lot of time to think lately.

I've been thinking a lot about my life and where it has been - and how where it has been fits into where it is going. About this time last year I was interviewing for a new job. I felt quite unsettled about leaving the jobs I currently held, but I went for the interview anyway. As it turned out, I was absolutely released from the employment that I was the most concerned about leaving. Suddenly, in about a week's time, this new job landed in my lap. Everything about it was perfect for me and where I was in my life. It was more money. It was less driving. The kids were the perfect age. And then after working this job for awhile I realized that every single time I was starting to feel overwhelmed and like I needed a break I would end up with a random extra day or two off. I couldn't help but feel that I was moving in the right direction.

Well now I'm starting to have to think about moving away. Thoughts of where I will live and work have already begun stressing me out. Yet even though I have absolutely zero details figured out I have already been in contact with a woman who hopes to be able to give me some work caring for her preschool aged child...all because my boss at my "perfect for me" job just happens to have lived in Columbus for most of her life and still has connections there. She has also promised to inform me of nice, yet affordable neighborhoods to live in.

There are some people out there who are able to merely write all of these experiences off as cooincidence...and honestly, I think I tend to fall more on the skeptical side of these things. However, this is just too much for even me to deny. The story of how I decided I wanted to become an Occupational Therapist is even crazier.

There are a lot of things that happen in this world that make me incredibly angry and sad. This Fall has seemed especially hard. One week a man from my home church was buried alive and died. Exactly one week later a baby was forgotten in a van at CCU. Just a few weeks later my friend's brother was murdered in front of his wife..I could continue. When these things pile up, I can't help but fall to my knees with a lot of hard questions. For a few days I find myself wondering if this whole faith thing is legit...but then there are these things I just can't get away from. I know that there is a God out there, and I know that He has a plan for me. I have an extremely difficult time trusting in Him...but I feel like He is giving me one small piece at a time. I can almost hear Him whispering, "See, everything's gonna be alright."

Yet there is a part of me that is still terrified of giving in and letting go.

The Waiting Game

2008-11-21T17:10:00.002-05:00

All of my paperwork has been turned into OSU. Now all I can do is...wait. I hate waiting. I am not a patient person when it comes to these sort of things. I want to know where my life is going...NOW.

The fact that I might be moving to Columbus is 6 short months still hasn't sunk in. Sometimes I start to think about it and freak out about where I'm going to live or work, but really it's still surreal. My boss started thinking through when she needed to start looking for my replacement yesterday. That was odd.

But, a cool thing happened. I mentioned I was worried about finding a job once I move there. Kelly is originally from Columbus and still knows a lot of people there. She immediately started naming people who might know of families looking for nannies. I wasn't expecting that at all. It's been really amazing the way this job has worked out so far. If it somehow helps me to get a job in Columbus, that would be even more amazing.

It puts me a little more at ease, but at the same time it is forcing me to have to think about moving a little more...and that makes me sad. I'm not letting myself think about it too much yet. I know that when I do, I'm going to be a complete mess. Soo, I'm going to play that particular waiting game for as long as I possibly can.

Tired...

2008-10-21T21:12:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm four weeks into my crazy schedule of working 9 1/2 hour days and going straight to class three days a week. I guess I'm surviving...but I think just barely. I think I woke up yesterday, a Monday, as tired as I usually am by the end of the week. That is never a good sign. The fact that I rarely get more than a half of of both kids sleeping while I have no cleaning to do doesn't help. I'm sitting here wishing I could go to bed at 9:16 and I still have a test to study for. Ugh. At least I'm getting along pretty good in my class...

Where Sleepless Nights Lead...

2008-09-28T01:15:00.004-04:00

Sleep is not coming tonight.

Everytime some major life event happens to anyone in my life, I find myself pondering my own future. Well, today I went to a wedding. I have since considered just about everything that will probably happen to me in the next 5 years: From how I'll make money if I move to Columbus to go to OSU to the song I want to walk down the isle to during my own wedding. I journaled some about it before attempting to go to sleep. I read through some of my writings over the last several months, and there seems to be a recurring theme...

I long to be content. I wish to be able to trust enough to stop and enjoy life where it is...to not have to know what's happening next at any given time....to enjoy the surprises that God is throwing at me. I want life to be fun. I can't figure out why I keep wanting life to speed up when it is already moving so fast that I can barely keep up. That doesn't even make logical sense.

Yes, the future I see in my head seems pretty great. But it can't compare to the one that God actually has planned for me. In longing for things of the future, I am forgetting how wonderful my life actually is right now. I have a job I enjoy, and while it doesn't pay a lot of money, I am getting by just fine. I have some amazing friends, many of whom live extremely close by. I am doing what I need to do to get to the next stage of my life. How I wish to be able to soak it all in while I can.

More Like the Last

2008-08-25T21:19:00.002-04:00

Today an 11 month old baby girl was burried. I was playing outside with the little boy I take care of at the time of the funeral. I thought the weather was quite fitting. The sky was overcast. It was not raining, however there a cool wind blowing...the kind of wind that usually comes before a storm. The air was thick with sorrow.

With my reactions to these past tragic events that have surrounded me lately, I have learned one major thing about myself. I have an incredibly small faith. In comparably small events in my life I do alright not knowing why things happen the way they do. I can eventually convince myself that God has a plan and that His is going to be better than mine. But I'm finding it incredibly difficult when things like this happen. I guess it makes me human...I guess it is good to feel sorrow in times of intense sadness.

If He had chosen to make Jenna cry or make a noise before her mother got out of the van...If He had chosen to have someone pass by the van and hear a cry...If He had chosen to make the daycare provider call...If He had chosen to jog a memory with a photograph or conversation...but He didn't choose...I don't understand why, and that is incredibly difficult for me. And I know that as difficult as it is for me, it has to be at least a hundred times more difficult for the family.

It frightens me to think of how my faith could shatter were something so tragic to happen to me directly. Though somehow it seems that being able to question it is what makes it real. I may never understand why things like this happen. And if something like this ever happens to me, I may get angry and do a whole lot of screaming and crying. But hopefully, eventually, I'll be able to remember his faithfulness in those little things. And then maybe I'll be able to offer my 'oh so shaky' mustard seed again. For now, I'm clinging to it with all I've got.

When Tragedy Strikes...

2008-08-03T22:18:00.004-04:00

My mom called me with some disturbing news on Thursday morning. A man from my church at home was working in a drainage trench on his dad's farm on Wednesday night when the trench colapsed. Three of the four men working in the trench were able to get out in time. The man from my church was not. The trench caved a little after 8:30 pm. Rescue workers did not recover his body until nearly two in the morning. He was only 27 years old, leaving behind a wife and a 5 month old baby. My insides churned as my mom told me what happened. I didn't know the guy well, but he and his wife are in the Sunday school class I often visit when I am around. I remember the last time I was there his wife mentioned her irrational fear of being in the house alone.

This is the kind of gut wrenching story that will put anyone in a funk, even if they've got no connection to the people involved. Over the last few days I've been trying to envision what my reaction would be were something this awful to happen to me. I could gain no comfort in knowing my husband didn't suffer, because he would have suffered greatly. I could gain no comfort in knowing my son would have fond memories of his dad, because once he grew older he would no longer remember his father's face. I don't imagine that I would gain any comfort from all of those Christian cliches people like to throw out in times like these either. "God has a plan." "It was God's will."

I realize that God doesn't throw more at us than we can chew, but I have to honestly admit that as I've been considering these things over the last couple of days, I don't think this thought would give me much comfort either. As I've been imagining my reaction to such horror, I only get angry. Maybe that means I'm not strong enough to handle something like this. I'd be lying if I said that thought wasn't comforting to me.

I wouldn't have a clue how to help another person in this situation. When I lie in bed and try to pray, the words don't even come. I have no idea where to begin to help these people...But God does. When I lie there speechless, He knows what I can't begin to say. He knows exactly how to comfort them, even when they are screaming at Him in anger. All I can do is pray that somehow they see through the cliches and through their own anger and catch a glimpse of the savior who is waiting to hold them...

Things are Getting Exciting...

2008-07-09T20:19:00.004-04:00

I shadowed at Children's Hospital in Columbus this week, and it was incredible. It definitely solidified my decision to pursue OT as a career. I am getting extremely excited about grad school. I signed up for Anatomy and Physiology I today, and I also wrote my Personal Statement which is a required part of my application at OSU. Here it is in its earliest form (do not feel obligated to read. I know it is long. I just thought a few people might enjoy it):

It was August of 2002 when I began my first encounter with higher education. I arrived with plans to become an elementary music teacher. Really, it seemed like a simple decision to make: I liked music. I liked children. Surely putting them together would make the perfect career for me, right? Wrong. It took two years for me to more or less decide that music education was not for me. The problem was, however, that I had no idea what it was that I did want to do.

I decided I would continue with my bachelor of music degree until I had it figured out. Just before my last semester I managed to write this in my journal, “I know that I want to help people in practical ways. I want to be able to see that I am making lives better in the little things.” I had no idea what career those goals were manifested in. During that last semester, I was required to do a music project. I had decided to write a research paper, which I was required to defend. And so, on my last day of my undergraduate career, I went in to defend my paper against my music faculty of the last four and a half years. As the conversation drew to a close, we began to discuss the fact that I still had not chosen a profession. It was then that one of my professors suggested that I consider some kind of work with special needs children, because he felt that I was very well tempered for such work. Another of my professors piped in with, “I was about to say the same thing!” I don't know what kind of belief systems that all of you reading this hold, but I am a woman of faith. I had been praying for the last two years for God to show me exactly what it was that He wanted me to do with my life. Most of the time I found myself struggling to trust the fact that He would. It seemed slightly amusing to me that He would wait until my last day of undergrad to give me some direction!

And so, I had a place to start. Through some emails I received a list of careers I could consider if I wanted to work with special needs children. I stumbled across Occupational Therapy, and I was stunned when I read over the description. I found the phrase, “helping people to do practical things” over and over again. I recalled what I had journaled a few months earlier, and I knew this was something I needed to look into more. I learned that an Occupational Therapist could help people who were born with disabilities or people who became disabled as a result of an accident. It was an occupational therapist who could help a child with cerebral palsy sit up straight. It was also an occupational therapist who could help a person involved in a work related accident to write again. As I continued to read it quickly became apparent to me that I finally had a career to match my definition. These thoughts were solidified after I made a trip to Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus. There I observed a few children who were learning to write. I watched some others learning to eat. There were babies learning to roll over and use their little fingers. I thought of all of the things they would be able to do simply because they could use their fingers. The more I watched, the more excited I became about one day being able to do this myself.

There is one more thing you should know about me. Once I decide I am going to do something, I have an inner drive and stubbornness that will not allow me to quit. It is because of this that I am going to become an Occupational Therapist whether you invite me to come study at your school or not. However, it is with sincere hope that I ask my first choice, Ohio State, to accept me for admission. I can promise that I will work as hard as any student who has ever been enrolled in your program.

They say, This will be important in determining: 1) your knowledge of the profession; 2) your understanding of professional practice in this field; 3) the ways in which your life experiences have contributed to your decision to pursue this profession; and 4) your ability to express yourself in writing. Any suggestions on how I can better fulfill these requirements?

Time's A' Flyin'

2008-06-15T14:36:00.002-04:00

Well, I've successfully completed two of my prerequisites for graduate school, earning an A in both courses : Two down, three to go! Soon I'll be doing some observing at Children's Hospital in Columbus to get in some practical fieldwork hours, which are required for admission at OSU. I've registered for the GRE and will be taking it July 19th. I'll be applying for graduate school in a few short months, and I have a feeling it'll be here before I know it! I've got a small break until my next course, a statistics class (yeah, math, we'll see how that goes since I haven't taken any in 6 years...). I'm planning on using much of my break to brush up on some math skills that I'll need for both the GRE and my statistics course. Every once in awhile I catch myself asking if I'm really doing this and I have a brief moment of self doubt, which tries to convince me that I've got to be a madwoman to think I can do this. Most of the time, though, my stubborn determination wins out, and I know that there isn't a thing in the world that can stop me!

It's Turning into Quite the Week.

2008-05-28T15:54:00.002-04:00

yesterday on my way to class i got stuck in more traffic than i normally do. i was a few lights away from my parking garage when i glanced down at my temperature gauge and noticed it was between the top of the "normal" line and the "H." over the last couple of weeks i've been wondering if my car was running hotter than it used to. i guess the answer is "yes." the cooling fan is kicking on when it is supposed to, and so according to my dad it is most likely the thermostat, which he is a quick and fairly inexpensive fix. and, get this, he's actually letting me take it to a mechanic this time. SHOCKER!

today i talked to my dad to tell him my car is getting looked at tomorrow, and he told me that my great uncle passed away today. i'm not at all close to this uncle, but under normal circumstances i'd want to try to make it to the arrangements anyway, being that he was my grandma's brother and all...but it just so happens that i have a wedding to go to this weekend...a wedding that i would feel awful about missing. i don't know when the funeral is yet, but i am so hoping it isn't this weekend! my dad already said if i can't make it, then he'd understand, but my dad is famous for saying things he doesn't mean and then guilt tripping you about it later. hopefully i'm not going to have to do that thing where i have to choose between friends and family...

Thoughts

2008-05-17T23:49:00.002-04:00

Last night I watched Into the Wild with my roommate and her friend. I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it, but basically this guy decides after a crappy relationship with his parents to just disappear, travel around, and survive on essentially nothing. His big goal is to go to Alaska where he plans to just survive out in the woods alone. He believes he will find true happiness that he's never had through nature out there with nothing...alone. What he eventually realizes out there, on the brink of starvation, is that happiness only exists when it is shared with others, a thought that I had been thinking throughout most of the film.

I started thinking about how incredible it is the way that God created us to live with other human beings. This is evident in the way people live everywhere, no matter what their belief systems are. Statistics show that people are generally happier when they are plugged into society, living life with other people.

I often wonder what it would be like if Christians started living in true community the way we were meant to live. What if we started loving each other the way Christ loves us. What if we took on the generosity of Christ. I believe the joy pouring out of us would be contagious. There are so many people out there like the man in the film who are looking for true happiness. If there were people who were actually living this way, how many more would come to know the source of such joy. My heart aches for this. Instead we have made Christianity something that it isn't supposed to be. People think Jesus is a man of strict rules and judgment.

Churches come up with countless ways just to get people into their doors. If we were really living as Jesus lived, would that really be necessary? People flocked to Jesus. If only we were giving them an accurate picture of who Jesus truly is, then they would flock again. How are we going to get ourselves out of this mess we have created?

yeah...

2008-04-19T02:39:00.003-04:00

so it has truly been one of the most exhausting weeks of my life....and yet it is almost 3:00 in the morning at the end of it, and i am lying awake thinking. mostly thinking about things that lie ahead. there are big changes coming. changes that are exciting and yet absolutely terrifying at the same time. i have come to an age when i and the people around me are figuring out the what comes next...after college...after marriage...etc. for many of us, that means leaving cincinnati. i said goodbye to one friend this week. another will be leaving in just a few months. it's the sort of thing that causes you to think about your own future. now there has been every reason for me to believe that i'm headed in the right direction and that everything is going to work out exactly as it is supposed to happen. things have been coming together in ways that i could never have imagined since i have graduated. it still amazes me when i think about it all. yet somehow i STILL have trouble finding the faith to believe that everything will be okay. i remember writing about how after graduation i would be stepping into unchartered territory. all of the known part of my planned life would be through and for the first time in my life i would be relying completely on God to give me direction. while i was sure that it would be absolutely the most terrifying time of my life, i was also sure that it would be the most rewarding. well, so far, both of those things have been true. i have never felt such clear direction from God in my entire life. yet i feel that i will soon be jumping into yet another stage that is going to require even more faith than this current one. in this current phase i have been surrounded by people who i love, who love me, who are going through the exact same things that i am going through. they have been my safety net. i don't think i would have made it without them. yet that is what i must do in this next phase...make it through without having them constantly around me. this is the part where God says, "alright, here I am, right here with you...there is only Me now. you must cling only to Me." this is the part where i learn that i can be okay alone....wow, i don't know if i'm ready for that. it's not here yet, but i think the departure of my friends is supposed to somehow be preparing me....

Life...

2008-04-13T17:26:00.002-04:00

Things have gotten a little crazy lately. I am now, for the first time in my life, working 45 hours a week and taking 6 hours of class. I'm only 3 weeks in, and so I am still getting adjusted. Needless to say, time management wasn't my best quality the first time around when it comes to school, so I have no reason to believe that it will be a strong suit for me now...And, there may be a possibility that even after all of this I won't be able to apply to OSU in the fall like I want. I recently noticed that they changed their requirements and now all Physiology and Anatomy classes must be completed by Dec 1st. This means that I need to take A & P 1 and 2 at UC by then, and that isn't physically possible since they aren't offering A&P 1 as a night class this summer. I have looked into other options, but none of them seem to work out. I contacted OSU and received a response. They will need to have a talk about me in some committee, and most of the committee members were in CA last week. They said they'll give me some information this week, hopefully. It's all just a little bit stressful. I'm trying not to worry about it. I know that if OSU is where I'm supposed to be, then it will work out...well, I at least know it in my head. I try to remind myself that the outcome is going to be the same whether I worry about it or not. Why not just roll with the punches and let life be easier. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

This week is going to be especially draining, I think. Last night I went to Nate's going away party. It was a fun time, but I think we were all trying not to think about the reason why all of us were there. Saying goodbye is never fun. I came home, went to bed, and then this morning went to church at Lifespring West side. Today happened to be Chris Travis' (west side campus minister) last day at Lifespring, as he and his wife, Lindsay, are moving to New York so Lindsay can pursue a Broadway career. So there were more tears and goodbyes there. I'm doing a group project in class this week, and on Wednesday I'm saying a final goodbye to Nate before he moves back to Washington. I am anticipating that by the weekend I am going to be very physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I hope I have enough steam to make it through. It's only day one, and I'm already tired...

So Almost a Month Later

2008-03-26T22:09:00.002-04:00

I'm going home tomorrow to pick up my car, which is FINALLY fixed. The whole story is a long and frustrating one. Talk to me in person if you're actually interested in all of the sorted details.

I went home for Easter last weekend. Other than the time I had to go home for the funeral in Michigan, I hadn't been home since Christmas. It was interesting. A few years ago there came a time when I realized that "home" was no longer "home." I guess that happens when you no longer fit in to the environment that you grew up in. It seems that every time I go home I find thatI fit in even less than the time before. I have an entirely different perception of the world than my dad does. He is a very negative glass half empty kind of guy. He sits around waiting for the opportune moment to do something, and so never ends up doing anything. It absolutely drives me crazy...mostly because he expects me to do the same. I just can't handle it. Well, most of the time I can handle it in small doses. As long as I'm not around it for more than a couple of days, I can let him make his comments and let them go in one ear and out the other. He's been down here in Cincinnati for the past 3 weekends, though, trying to figure out my car. I think that was about all I could take. And so, needless to say, I was very happy to return "home" to Cincinnati on Monday morning.

grrr...

2008-03-03T21:41:00.002-05:00

cars annoy me. last monday i drove to my old apartment to pick up some stuff after work. when i went to leave, my car wouldn't start, because the battery was dead. seeing as i had had bought a new battery and put on a new alternator 15 months earlier, i was really not happy. i hoped for that i had only left something on and that there wasn't really something wrong. i bought a battery charger, and then once my battery was charged back up, took my car to autozone to get tested. the guy tested the voltage coming out of the batter when the car was off and again when i started it up. apparently my battery was fine, but it wasn't getting any charge out of the alternator. so, my dad came down sunday morning and put on a new alternator. sunday night i went to the gathering, since i hadn't made it to church in the morning and when i was almost there, wouldn't you know that stupid battery light came on, warning me my car was about to die again! my dad did some checking, and he thinks he knows what is wrong with it now...but we have to order the part and wait for it to come, which means i am on the phone begging and pleading with my friends to drive me around. currently i have my battery charged at home, but my car is still stuck at lifespring clovernook, because i can't find anyone who can pick me up at 5:00 from work when it will still be light outside so i can make it back without having to turn on my headlights, thus draining my battery and leaving me stranded again. and the thing about me is, that i absolutely love helping other people....but i am equally as terrible about asking for help. asking for help makes me feel just much terrible as i feel good about giving help to others. this is pure torture for me!!

on a much better note, i am officially signed up to take abnormal psychology at uc this upcoming quarter. woot.

Today I Realized...

2008-02-28T20:22:00.002-05:00

that i miss music...as in being a part of something musical. i started thinking about it last week, actually, while i was on my way to my great-uncle's funeral. i was asked to sing, apparently at my uncle's request. he had probably only heard me sing once in his life, at my aunt's wedding a few years ago. to say that i was a little surprised by his request would be an understatement. it dawned on me that i haven't really sung since i graduated (or really even since i stopped taking voice lessons and choir.) today i was sitting around just goofing off with sarah and her brother, eric, who is here visiting. eric had his guitar, and sarah and i were singing. the harmonica i got from my uncle even made an appearance (although i can't at all play it...) i think i need to get involved in some musical activities again. i miss being part of a choir. i miss sitting around with my friends just messing around. today i realized that a part of me has been missing for awhile. i think it is time to bring that part back to life...

The Kite Runner

2008-02-27T12:38:00.002-05:00

I purchased a few new books yesterday, one being The Kite Runner. I haven't been able to put it down. This passage has struck me most so far.

I flinched, like I'd been slapped. My heart sank and I almost blurted out the truth. Then I understood: This was Hassan's final sacrifice for me. If he'd said no, Baba would have believed him because we all knew Hassan never lied. And if Baba believed him, then I"d be the accused; I would have to explain and I would be revealed for what I really was. Baba would never, ever forgive me. And that led to another understanding: Hassan Knew. He knew I"d seen everything in that alley, that I'd stood there and done nothing. He knew I had betrayed him and yet he was rescuing me once again, maybe for the last time. I loved him in that moment, loved him more than I'd ever loved anyone, and I wanted to tell them all that I was the snake in the grass, the monster in the lake. I wasn't worthy of this sacrifice; I was a liar, a cheat, and a thief. And I would have told, except that a part of me was glad. Glad that this would all be over with soon. Baba would dismiss them, there would be some pain, but life would move on. I wanted that, to move on, to forget, to start with a clean slate. I wanted to be able to breathe again. Except Baba stunned me by saying, "I forgive you."

Just Kidding...

2008-02-03T15:05:00.000-05:00

So remember all of the hoopla about me going to class this month? I was just kidding...I ran into some money problems (apparently Cincinnati State isn't on any of the banks approved schools lists). I kind of decided it was a case of "you get what you pay for" and have decided to go to UC instead. It's going to be a whole lot more convenient. I'm only having to take 5 classes total at UC. The quarters there are longer, but it'll still overall take less time there, and I'll never be stuck going to class more than twice a week. So, that's the new plan.

In other news, my new job is going very well. I'm actually enjoying what I do and I'm making enough money to pay the bills - something I've not really experienced before.

Hmm...I got yelled at to post more, but I just don't feel like I have anything else to say right now...(gwen, you should start signing your name to comments! it's a good thing you are the only person who ever comments, otherwise I wouldn't know it was you - and by the way, who are you to tell me to write more? i seem to recall that there is a link to an unused livejournal somewhere on this blog...)

Let the Madness Begin!!

2008-01-10T20:14:00.000-05:00

Life is about to get crazy, and I think I'm actually ready for it. I received a user name and password in the mail for Cincinnati State today, and this week I also sent a fee to my high school to get a copy of my transcript sent so that I can get into the Physiology and Anatomy class. I'm not allowed to sign up for classes until Saturday, the 19th, so I think it will arrive in time. Things seem to be coming together, and I am getting very excited. Yes, that's right, I said I am excited about going to class. It's kind of like that feeling I got right before I went to college, only better because I know a little of what to expect (and yet still am excited, even though I know what to expect...) My goal oriented tendencies are going into overdrive right about now, and I can feel the adrenaline increasing almost daily. I've got everything all mapped out, and I'm ready to go. That said, my schedule hasn't been as crazy as it is about to get in over a year - since I graduated from undergrad. I'm going to be working 40 - 45 hours a week and going to school a couple of nights a week. My friends, it has been good seeing you over the last year. I hope I still see you every now and again....But, life is good right now. I'm seeing God's hand at work in my life more than I think I ever have. My new job is incredible. I am already falling in love with Luke and Sydney, and I feel so lucky to have a job I enjoy so much. I feel like I'm moving in the right direction, and there isn't much that can compare to such a feeling. I am incredibly happy right now...

I Don't Know What to Call This...

2007-12-21T23:33:00.000-05:00

I started my new job this week. It is, after a day and a half, going as well as I anticipated. It's going to be good for me, I think. And not only because it's going to relieve some financial stress either. I've been doing a lot of thinking about why I do what I do. Taking care of children is something that comes naturally to me. Really in order for me to function, I need to do the things I do. I need to have people over so I can cook for them. I need to take care of a home and family, even if it's not mine. Those are things that allow me to be who I am. I couldn't ask for a more suitable job for where I am in my life. Sure, I get tired after a whole day with the kids, but I leave feeling like I have accomplished something and that what I'm serving a purpose...so, I think it's a healthy tired. While I'm sure I'll be extremely busy in the coming months, doing homework and working full-time, I think I will probably be able to handle it better than any crazy time in my life thus far. I think I'll be more motivated than ever before. While I can't say that I am excited about doing homework again, I am very excited at what comes at the end of it.

Good News

2007-12-13T23:49:00.000-05:00

The new job is a go. Technically this first part is a trial period to make sure it works for everyone, but i really think it's going to go well. I am very excited! I have decided to have a little celebration. Due to my recent financial state, I haven't purchased any new music in ages, and I've had my eye on a lot of stuff, so I decided to go shopping on itunes tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to clean my apartment and listen to new music all day long. I don't think I've ever been so excited about cleaning in my life. So, here is my $43.95 list of new music:

1.) Sarah Bareilles - Little Voice

2.) Peter Bradley Adams - Gather Up

3.) Over the Rhine - The Trumpet Child

4. ) A Fine Frenzy - One Cell in the Sea

5.) Ingrid Michaelson - Girls and Boys

Hooray for itunes having whole albums for $10 and less!!

Job News

2007-12-12T19:20:00.000-05:00

Kelly had the baby on Monday (a girl), so she hasn't had time to interview the other person yet. She's meeting with her tomorrow (3 days after having a C-section!!) and is going to call me and let me know by Saturday now...sooo, that's what's up.

So Far So Good

2007-12-08T13:37:00.000-05:00

So I went for my interview yesterday, and it was phenomenal. Seriously, it was the best interview I have ever had. The woman was very nice and pretty much awesome. We hit it off really well, and talked for over an hour and a half. They invited me to come spend the morning hanging out with their son and seeing the house to see if we got along and stuff. Luke was adorable, and we had a lot of fun. Afterwards Kelly and I sat and chatted. She told me another agency did contact her this week and had someone they wanted her to meet with, and since she had committed to that she felt like she owed this other person some of her time, but she said that she likes me very much and she can tell that her son also likes me. So, basically this other woman needs to be supernanny...which i suppose could happen...but things are looking and feeling good. I should know Tuesday for sure. Please keep praying!

Job Update

2007-12-06T23:13:00.000-05:00

I have an interview tomorrow (Friday) with the family I mentioned at 4:30 at the Fort Thomas Starbucks. Please pray that it goes well. It seems like things could work out amazingly well. Today things were made easier when Andrea and Ryan told me they are moving at the end of the month and most likely to Mason. They are giving me the option of driving the extra 2o minutes in worse traffic to continue to watch Katelyn but wanted me to know that they understood if I didn't want to continue. This opened the door for me to tell them about this new opportunity that I might have, and they agreed that if I get offered a full-time position I need to take it. Timing couldn't have been more perfect (as long as I get this job!!), and it seems that God has something up His sleeve. Now I just need the patience to let Him work it all out...

Pray Pray Pray

2007-12-05T17:14:00.000-05:00

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, I have started looking for a new full-time job, working for only one family since I can't find anything to supplement the jobs I currently have. It is a decision that I have agonized over a great deal, but in the end I've decided that I just have to do what I have to do. Anyway, three or four weeks ago I interviewed with another nanny agency, and they have hopefully found me a family to interview with. They sent my information to a family today, and an interview is sounding promising. They have a 16 mo old boy and a new baby due on the 22nd of this month. Caren (the agency lady) told them I was having a really rough time leaving my current people, and she even proposed a compromise. She will be taking a 12 week maternity leave, and even though she was hoping to still have someone helping her full -time during that leave, she decided she could just use me part time during those 12 weeks if I wanted to give one of my families a longer notice. If I absolutely must leave both of my families, I seriously couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect scenario myself. The job is just over in Newport, and is 45 hours a week, and is working with my favorite age groups. Let's just saying that I am really hoping this is God's way of making things a little easier for me...

Today is a Good Day

2007-11-17T16:44:00.000-05:00

The buckeyes beat those guys from that state to our north, and I customized and ordered a new laptop from hp at a fantastically discounted price. It should be built by December 4th and then shipped to me. I am quite excited.

What's Coming Up

2007-11-16T16:34:00.000-05:00

So this is how I see my life going for the next several months and beyond...

First, beginning in February I plan to take some classes at Cincinnati State in order to prepare for my graduate study plan. This will most likely put me in some kind of class or lab 3 nights a week. I am also currently seeking a new job so I can work more hours....so, you do the math, I'll be working 40 or more hours a week and then 3 days a week I'll probably be headed straight to class. This will probably continue for the next 3 quarters, when I'll hopefully be finished with the prerequisites and applying for grad school. Oh, and somehow before I apply I have to get in a bunch of hours of experience. I haven't quite figured out how to fit that in yet. Maybe there will be weeks when my family (or families) won't need me and I can take the whole week to go observe someone or maybe I can find some weekend hours somehow. We'll see. Yeah, I'll be busy again. I think it'll be a healthy busy though. It'll be nice to be working towards a goal. My internal drive will be satisfied and feeding off of the madness. I'm sure in a few months there will be posts about the insanity and how stressed out I am, but it'll all be worth it when...

I'll hopefully be accepted into The Ohio State University to pursue my Master's of Occupational Therapy. In just over two years I'll graduate and hopefully find a job working with children with disabilities. Perhaps at a children's hospital. Notice I say "a" and do not specify a city. I'd probably like to come back here to Cincinnati, but who knows what will happen. Maybe I'll meet someone and get married somewhere in between...or maybe everyone I know here will have moved on. Maybe I'll like Columbus more than I think I will. I'm just going to take it one day at a time and do whatever I can to achieve my goal. I'm starting to be more excited than freaked out. That is quite refreshing.

Um...

2007-11-09T23:05:00.000-05:00

I knew there was a reason I didn't like parking garages...

Check out this story from downtown tonight.

On Recent Events

2007-11-03T18:18:00.000-04:00

Despite my job uncertainties of late, I am finding myself surprisingly refreshed since my move. Living by myself has had an opposite effect than what I expected. I really thought I'd hate being alone all the time, but I have come to realize that I feel less alone than I had when I had a roommate. I have so many people close by - Dan and Becky upstairs, Brad, JMack, Nate, and now Jason over on St. Lawrence, Lianne and Deryck just over on Rosemont, and Gwen and Anna on Lehman - I really feel it would be impossible for me to feel alone. It's unbelievable how much more connected I feel to my friends now that I live closer to them (not that I was ever really very far away.) I'm finally able to feel some of the relief of coming up with a plan for grad school. I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's going to be a lot of work, and I'm starting to actually believe I can do it. (This is not to say, that all of my reservations have completely faded away, but I am feeling much better) My apartment has also been much quieter than I've been accustomed to. There's no cable and I have no sound on my computer. At times this drives me crazy, but I've come to decide that this is mostly a good thing. Having this big quiet place all to myself has provided a solitude I haven't had in a very long time. I'm finding more time to think and read while also being more connected to people. What more could I ask for? I think that come January it'll be nice to have someone here with me. I'll have taken advantage of this nice little quiet break and will be ready for another change. I imagine that having Sarah here will provide some good conversation and entertainment. For now, I plan on enjoying things the way they are. I'm feeling more at peace than I have in a very long time...

If You Guys Could..

2007-10-30T22:37:00.001-04:00

I could use a few prayers. I've been making some big decisions about job things lately, and I'm a little stressed about how things are going to turn out. I've decided I need to get a full-time job (most likely a nanny job). I also need to find some kind of volunteer work to do so I can get some experience in occupational therapy before grad school. A new job means leaving the people I am currently working for, which is extremely hard to do. I have grown very attached to the kids and their parents. They've been good people to work for. There just isn't enough hours or stability. One family in particular has called me off several times because people were sick, and when they're sick I don't get paid. Since this is the family I make the most money with it is rather stressing. I dread the day that I have to tell them I am leaving though. They have all expressed their gratitude towards me for the way I take care of their children. What makes it even more difficult is that both families have been very interested in the goings on of my life (which is sometimes hard to find in nanny/family working environments). They are always asking me about new things happening, and now I feel I can't tell them this yet. I am reminded of the difficult conversations that will come with leaving every time they ask about me and my life...*sigh*. So yeah, this has been weighing on me a lot lately...

My Apartment Now Has...

2007-10-25T21:19:00.001-04:00

Furniture!! That's right folks, as of Saturday if you come over to my place I'll actually have places for you to sit. I picked up the love seat tonight via the moo-mobile, but I will need a larger truck to transport the couch. My grandpa is coming down Saturday morning to help me. Next project - a dinette set!

Just Breathe....

2007-10-14T22:39:00.000-04:00

Sooo...more crazy stuff has happened in my world lately. For starters, I spilled water on and thus killed my laptop. Luckily, my dad was kind enough to bring me my brothers old laptop that he was using, but since I had just moved, I still did not have internet access until today.

That's right, the move is complete. My new place is beautiful (and empty at the moment.) My old place was so cluttered all the time. It has been nice having so much extra space. It leaves a little bit of refreshing breathing room. I hadn't realized how sufocated I was starting to feel at my old place. I am very much enjoying my new start. Change is good sometimes.

This weekend has been quite fantastic and filled with good people. Friday I went to Lianne's to make homemade pizza (yum!) and watch a movie. Saturday was filled with many wonderful things. The first of which happened to be the Iker/Moser wedding up in Dayton. It is so nice to be excited for people I love so much (as opposed to those dreadful weddings where everyone just has a sense that it is just not a good idea). Saturday evening was spent in good company as well, hanging out with Melissa Oakes, who was in town for her mother's wedding (it was a big day for weddings...) The crew consisted of Melissa, Katie, Kerri, Gwen, Brad, and me (and becky while she was on her break at the Barnes and Noble) - A fine cast of folk I used to spend a lot of time with all the way back in the day of my freshman year at CCU. Everytime our worlds collide again there is so much laughter. It's as if we've gone back in time only we are doing slightly more adult things now and we've all grown up a whole lot. Tonight I went to listen to some amazing music from the fine folk of Ellery and Seabird (whom I have been hearing about a lot, but heard for the first time this evening - they were amazing!)

The weekend has been a reminder that even in crazy times, life is good. It's nice to be reminded of why I wake up in the morning every now and again. And, I remember that I wouldn't want it any other way.

Why is it That...

2007-09-22T23:05:00.000-04:00

...my life can been seemingly uneventful for several months and then all of a sudden so eventful that I feel like I am spinning out of control? Honestly, I think I had forgotten what it felt like to be stressed out since I finished school, but the last couple of weeks have harshly reminded me. As I mentioned in my last post, my roommate got engaged, and about the time my new job disappeared, (the new job that was going to allow me to move out and live by myself for a few months before a roommate could move in), I found out that I definitely needed to move out by the 1st of October. So, I talk to my potential roommate and we go look at the place I am hopeful we can live in, and she loves it (but really, how anyone could not love it is beyond me). Well, she says she needs a couple of days to check over her financial situation, and I say fine as long as it is only a couple of days. After all, I need to move in less than 2 weeks. Well, we go out to dinner that night and she figures up how much she makes each month and decides she should be fine, and I'm thinking everything is going to work out great. So then, a couple of days later, she calls me sounded panicked (as opposed to extremely excited the last time we talked,) saying she needed a few more days to look at other places. And so that's where we are now. She is supposed to be letting me know by Monday - if she doesn't I'm just going to tell her I have to live by myself, because now, I need to move in 1 week, and I STILL don't know where I am going.

Well, in the middle of all of that craziness this week, I also figured out something that I want to do with my life. It's called Occupational Therapy. With a Master's degree, I could work with disabled people of all ages and sorts - those who were born with disabilities or those who were injured in accidents, adults or children. I'd like to work with children. After deciding this was what I wanted to do, I began looking into how I could get there. It turns out I need to take 10 more prerequisites before I can enter a program. Four of them are hard science classes. The program itself looks incredibly competitive and the curriculum difficult. Well, once I decide that I can do something, I am stubborn and determined enough that nothing is going to change my mind on that point. However, this week I've been trying to get to the point where I say I can do it...probably because I know once I do, there is no turning back. I'm not going to lie, the thought of failure scares the crap out of me.

Needless to say, with all of that looming over my head I haven't been sleeping much this week. I'm ready for something to slow down, but I know that can't happen at least until after I move and get settled. So, who wants to help me move?

Something a Little Deeper

2007-09-18T00:15:00.000-04:00

Life's been getting a little crazy over the past couple of weeks. Within a span of two weeks, my roommate got officially engaged (FINALLY), my best friend got married, I lost my new job, and I found out for certain that I must move into a new place of residence on October 1st. Quite honestly, I have experienced so many different emotions in the last few weeks that a melt-down was eminent. Let me start by saying that I am very happy for friends of mine who have recently got married or will be getting married in the next month...but the thing that triggered the melt-down happened to be seeing my roommate's wedding dress. Well, maybe it wasn't the dress per say...What I mean is, since the engagement my roommate has been pretty non-existent in roommate form. She has turned 100 percent into "Robb's fiance," which is fine. (I mean I guess there is a lot to do when you decide to get married a month after you get engaged.) It just means that I don't get as much human contact in a time where emotions are already on a roller coaster ride. So, yesterday Christina brings home her dress, and then leaves...again. I sit with my laptop, chilling and listening to some music, and decide to play "The Luckiest," completely oblivious to what would happen next. Much to my surprise soon there are tears running down my face and I'm thinking how stupid I am for listening to love songs when all of my friends are getting married, I just saw yet another wedding dress, and I am not one of the people getting married. Well, I get to thinking about why all of this is so damn important to me anyway. I am not one of those silly girls who went to Bible college thinking about coming out married. I don't want to get married for the sake of being married. It's not even the being loved part that I am really longing for. It's the giving love that I ache for. I want so badly to have someone to take care of. I got to thinking that the reason I want this so badly is because taking care of people is in my blood - it is who I am. Most of the time it is enough for me to make dinner and take care of my friends. Most of the time I am okay trusting that because it is a part of me and God has given me this desire, He will fulfill it...when it is right. But lately with so many people around me getting to experience the things I want, it just hasn't been enough. Lately I've been feeling like there is a part of me that hasn't truly been able to live yet, and that part of me longs to be free. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but me...

Update

2007-09-13T19:40:00.000-04:00

So, the new job is no more. It's a little bit frustrating, I must say. Apparently in middle eastern culture it is the norm to really baby your children. I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous post, but the father of the twins I was watching is Turkish. He seemed to think that it should be possible for me to instantly make two screaming babies stop crying - sometimes just a physical impossibility when there is two of them and only one of you...But anyway, since he worked downstairs he thought he needed to come help me when he heard them crying. It was frustrating for me to have him looking over my shoulder and telling me what to do...and it was frustrating that he wouldn't just let me deal with them both so I could learn the best ways of handling them. Last week he told me he wasn't completely satisfied with the way I was working out because he had to keep coming upstairs and wasn't getting any work done. I tried telling him that he was coming up WAY more often than he needed to and that I would gladly take more responsibility, but yesterday he called to tell me they wouldn't be needing me anymore. All said and done, I'm relieved to not have him hounding me all the time, but I'm also a little nervous as I'm needing to move out of my apartment soon and all options lead to more expensive housing than I currently have. So, I'm back to looking for new employment.

If You Thought My Car Was Ghetto...

2007-09-03T22:12:00.000-04:00

Come take a ride in the one I drove back this weekend. My dad is keeping my car do my brakes and some good tuning up, and so I brought my brother's old car back for a few weeks. It comes complete with very worn out shocks that don't fair so well in the very not smooth roads of the west side of cincinnati, frog seat covers and steering wheel cover, and a fuzzy frog hanging from the rear view mirror.

Not Fun...

2007-08-29T19:46:00.000-04:00

I think I have an ear infection. I don't have insurance or the time to go to the doctor in the next couple of days, so I am hoping it will start getting better by itself. If it hasn't by Saturday I guess I'll have to get over my stubbornness and go to urgent care...which kind of sucks b/c I'm going home this weekend, and I don't want to spend a whole day waiting to see a doctor....or spend money so he can diagnose me with something I am already 99 percent sure I have. They should make over the counter ear infection medicine.....

Twins

2007-08-25T10:15:00.000-04:00

Well, I survived my first week with the twins. After day one I was feeling quite confident in my ability to handle everything. Neither of the babies had been especially fussy and at no point had they both been screaming at the same time. Day two, however, did not fair so well. They cried and cried. While I could hold them both at the same time, I could not hold them both in positions they were happy with. Salim (their dad who works from home) did not get any work done, and was equally frustrated with them. I got the impression that it is very rare for them to be so fussy. Needless to say after 12 hours, I was exhausted. Hopefully there aren't a lot of fussy days. And, the older they get, the easier they will be to watch. I can hold out for a few crazy months :)

Prayer

2007-08-12T22:26:00.000-04:00

I just got a call from one of my families canceling me for tomorrow. Carson, who is 14 months old, is very sick and could use some prayers. His parents took him to the hospital with a 106 degree temperature today. The doctors ran a bunch of tests and concluded that it must be viral because the tests came back negative. Please pray that they are right and that he will get better soon.

Akron

2007-08-05T23:42:00.001-04:00

So I went to Akron to visit my brother this weekend. It was quite fun. Somehow I ended up at a professional golf tournament. I hate golf. I think it is the most boring sport ever. My brother's boss had won $60 tickets and couldn't go. She couldn't find anyone to take them and didn't want them to go to waste...so we went. It was hot...very hot. I learned a few things...
1.) Yes, all golf fans really do wear visors and khaki or plaid shorts
2.) Golfers and their fans somehow take themselves very seriously. If you so much as cough while someone is putting, be prepared for a stare down
3.) Tiger Woods looks the same in person as he does on tv...and he really is good at golf....which I think I ended up hating even more after sitting and watching it for 3 hrs in the 90 degree heat.
4.) Going to a golf tournament is like going to the airport. You have to empty out your pockets and let them run the metal detector over you.
5.) ALWAYS take a watch with you if you go to a golf tournament (I will never go to another, but just as well...) They won't let you bring in your phone, and you will want to know when the 2 hrs you promised the avid fan you came with is up.

Refreshing

2007-07-26T22:43:00.000-04:00

I have realized how being a part of some kind of church family outside of CCU people is important to me lately. There is a church hopping trend among CCU people. Everyone just sort of follows each other around and a lot of the time no one actually becomes involved in the church family as a whole. This became blatantly obvious to me several months ago when all of my CCU friends stopped coming to the service I was attending. I realized that most of the reason I had been going was to be with those friends. After they left, no one in the church talked to me. I didn't especially feel like I was learning much from the teaching offered either. For a few months the music was enough to motivate me to keep coming, but eventually I grew very tired. Instead of filling me up, I felt the service was draining. I decided I needed to find someplace new. I joined a small group associated with Lifespring Christian Church, but I was very hesitant to attend there regularly. Some of my good friends went there, and I felt that there was a good chance that the same thing would happen again - eventually all of the people I knew would leave, and I still wouldn't have become a part of anything. So, I said I would go find someplace new...but most Sundays mornings were spent sleeping in my bed. Eventually I decided to just give Lifespring on the westside a try. As it happened, that Sunday the message was about the importance of community and involvement within the congregation. It seemed I had found what I was looking for. I have since been regularly attending and am trying to get involved. I have found all of the messages to be useful. The goals of the congregation really seem to match what I think the church should be aiming for, and the more I get involved, I am finding that I am actually excited about getting up on Sunday again. I must say, it is quite a relief. I have seen so many people become filled with bitterness when there seem to be so many things wrong in the church. They give up and say, "What's the use?" I refuse to go to that place, but I was closer to it than I had ever been before. It is so very refreshing to have climbed out of the hole.

Big News...

2007-07-15T19:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I put in my two weeks at LaRosa's. They scheduled me for a double next weekend even though I said no more, and I decided I had had enough. I am excited to be throwing in the towel. Today I sent my nanny agency an email inquiring about any positions for friday only. They promptly replied that they had two. There is one in Mason and one in Delhi. I would REALLY like to get the one in Delhi. Both would be good hours, but it would be nice to only have to drive as far as Delhi. For now I'm praying that at least one of them will call for an interview...

Anyone Know a Plumber?

2007-07-10T21:43:00.001-04:00

I went up the the Vern for a few days last week, and since I have returned life has not slowed down. Soon after my return to the Nati Robyn came over, because she was in town. I then went to bed for only a few hours before I headed back to nannying. I played with the kids for 10 hrs (I guess they were asleep for the first couple...) and then less than an hour after I got home Brad and Nate came over for dinner. I had been trying to get the two of them over for awhile, so I was excited. In the process of doing some last minute cleaning and prepping, I managed to flush a non-flushable disposable toilet brush, and tomorrow I need to call a plumber. (today the landlord called back and said he does not have tools to fix it :( ) A few hours after Brad and Nate left, I went to bed and only half slept. Then I headed to fairfield to play with the baby for 9 hrs. I headed straight to campus to meet Lianne afterwards, and we headed to Quaker Steak and Lube for all you can eat wing night. It has been a fun, but tiring time of seeing people I haven't lately, and I sure wish I knew which plumber to call...Tomorrow I have to wake up at 6:10. Will I get to sleep this week?

Update?

2007-06-23T00:15:00.000-04:00

hmmm....I have done lots of things since my last post. I have hung out with many fabulous people, especially this week. Tuesday night was a fun cookout at the Smyth residence for small group. Wednesday I went with Gwen and Lianne to see Brad, Chris, and Daniel in Pirates of Penzance at the Showboat Majestic, which I had never been to before. Gwen has a random girl from New Hampshire named Sam staying with her for a few days, and thursday I went to meet and hang out with her. Today Lianne, Sam, and I went to Tower Place downtown and hung out at Gwen's tea room, and later we showed Sam Newport. We went to Dewey's Pizza where Darian served us well. It has been good. I enjoy laughing with good people, and there has been much of that lately. It has been fun to sort of show off Cincinnati to Samantha, who is probably going to be moving here with her boyfriend. She had never been here before. There aren't enough days to show her everything, but it has been fun to remember that there really is so much to do here. Now I just have to get ready to work at LaRosa's all day tomorrow - the only part of my life at the moment that I am not incredibley ecstatic about.

Wouldn't Like To Take this Ride...

2007-06-07T19:46:00.000-04:00

Happened to catch this crazy story from michigan on the news today...

An Interesting Last Few Days...

2007-06-02T18:05:00.000-04:00

It has been a crazy weekend so far. Yesterday I locked myself out of my apartment. Christina was out of town for the week, the spare keys were gone, and I had to be at work this morning. I called my landlord and he was about to head to Indy, so he couldn't come let me out. He said he thought we might be able to card the lock, but in case we couldn't, he hid some keys outside his house for me. So, I called a bunch of people. My usuals weren't answering, so I called some people I normally wouldn't have called. Eventually Darian ended up coming over (he is quite fantastic,) and after assessing that we could not card the door, he drove me up to Joel's house, about 30 minutes away. So, I got into my apartment and then went over to Gwen's to hang out with her. Later we headed over to Joe Springer's birthday party, which an assortment of people attended. We stayed for a little while, and after I was hit on and followed by a drunk guy, we left. Today I went to work at LaRosa's as expected. We were EXTREMELY slow and went on rotation really early. Then at 3:10ish the power went out. It stayed out and was still out when they let me leave at 5:50. Hmm...I wonder what will happen tomorrow...

Did Everyone See the News Tonight?

2007-05-28T00:54:00.000-04:00

About 6:30 this evening I drove down Queen City Ave. to meet some people at the Read household. As I neared Quebec Ave. I noticed some crime tape closing the entrance to Queen City. I would soon learn that it stretched all the way down to Grand Ave. There were police everywhere. I guessed that someone must have been shot. I called my brother and told him about the craziness. About ten minutes later he called me back to report what he had found on the internet. Apparently a man had gone into UDF on the corner of Quebec and Westwood/Queen City to steal some ice cream. The employees called the cops. Then the very bright suspect realized he didn't have a spoon for his stolen ice cream and returned to the store. The police arrived around the same time and attempted to aprehend him. He ran, pulled a gun, and fired at the police. The police fired back, and now he is dead - all because of some ice cream. Crazy! Find the story here if you missed it.

Life...

2007-05-16T23:51:00.000-04:00

I am realizing more and more each day how beautiful life is. I finally walked across a stage in a funny hat and to my family and peers became a "graduate." The truth is that I have been for five months now. Just five months ago I was terrified to be leaving what was comfortable. I was unsure of my future and unsure of my faith...faith that God would take control and lead me to the next step. It's amazing how far I have come in these last five months. I can honestly say that 99% of the time the fear is completely gone. It is almost unbelievable to me that I was so petrified. I think that God has been looking down at me smiling as I have finally come to realized all that He was trying to show me if I would only trust Him. He has proven himself faithful by giving me a general direction for an ultimate career goal and by giving me two wonderful families to work for. I seriously couldn't ask for better employers. I have also become part of a tuesday night small group during the last couple of months. Going into it, I was only acquainted with about half of the group, but we all seem to be meshing very well together. I am enjoying my time spent with these new people in my life. I am also enjoying the new free time that I have to be with my "old" people. This is what life is about...living in community, serving and loving one another. While I am doing this, everything else seems small. I am resting assured that everything I need will be revealed to me when it is time. For now, I will be content soaking in the world around me.

Finito!

2007-05-13T00:51:00.000-04:00

Perhaps I will write something about it...later...for now I am waaay too tired to form coherent sentences...

Recently Purchased...

2007-04-27T17:36:00.000-04:00

this and this from itunes. I do believe my money was well spent. And, I recently discovered via my employer's tv the sirius coffee house station. I wish it came with direct tv. It will be my new friend while babysitting on tuesday and thursday.

It's Three Weeks Away...

2007-04-20T02:24:00.000-04:00

I tried going to bed an hour ago. It didn't work...

I've been talking graduation plans with family and such for the last couple of days. Tonight I said out loud to Lianne, "I'm graduating in 3 weeks." Well, technically I graduated four months ago, but without a diploma or a real job, it just feels like an extended summer vacation (minus the summer weather, of course.) Anyway, I was lying in bed thinking about all of the good memories and good people. If I wrote about them all, no one would actually read my insanely long post. Every time I think of a something it only leads to another good time...but I am going to attempt to weed out the most significant thoughts running through my brain...

When I think about college, I think about people...I think about Becky Read and I remember sitting for hours in a dorm room talking for hours, goofing off, complaining about being bored...and, I remember driving a half an hour to go to Frisches...I think about the closest friend I have ever had in my life.

And then there's Gwen. I remember how we became closer my junior year when Becky moved off campus. I don't think I would have survived any of that year if she wasn't around.

I think about the music kids, and I smile. I remember squeezing as many people as we possibly could around a round table in the dining hall during lunch. I remember studying for Rick Cherok tests at Steak N' Shake until 2:00 in the morning. I remember conducting parties...and oh conducting - I remember that Nate gave me the nickname "CC," and it stuck, and how even though I did not possess even half of the coordination that it took to conduct nobody made fun of me.

I remember Outreach. We all complained about having to travel for so long, but I enjoyed spending time with my teammates more than I ever thought possible. In fact, I think that if we actually had spent the rest of our lives living together in that log cabin we stayed at, then I would have been content.

I remember professors such as Brenda Lang, Ken Read, Jon Weatherly, and Jamie Smith that I was honored to study under. At times I wish that I could go back and pay more attention than I did the first time around...

I think of how I have changed and how my understanding of Christ and Christianity have changed...and how I now understand my calling on this earth to serve and love my fellow men here...and how were it not for the previously mentioned people I may have come to different conclusions about life.

Maybe once I walk across a stage and shake President Faust's hand it'll actually feel like I have entered the "real world..." But I really don't think so - and for now, I am happy living the life I am living.

Sad...

2007-04-05T23:45:00.000-04:00

I just realized today that I don't get to go home for Easter this year...for the first year ever. Somehow it didn't ocurr to me to request off of work this Saturday so I could go home...And the sad part is, the only reason I am so bummed about it is that I will be missing Easter dinner.

Good Times...

2007-04-01T21:44:00.000-04:00

The last week or so has been absolutely wonderful...In fact, life in general as of late has been quite spectacular. I feel the most peace I have felt, perhaps ever, as I have been soaking in everything around me. I finally enjoy my job/s and am working enough hours at a high enough rate to pay all of my bills and start paying off my credit card. The schedule also leaves me more available for spending time with good people. This has proven to be very true in the last week. I have had the pleasure of hanging out with many people whom I have not seen in awhile - a few in months since they are currently not living in the nati. There has been some reminiscing, some good deep conversation, and some self realization. I don't really think I could ask for much more in a week...or of my life at this present time. At some point during all of this, I realized that I am really, truly happy. Thank you to Becky, Lianne, Gwen, Robyn, Jonathan, and Bradley for helping to make such a wonderful week...I love you guys!

This Woman Has Been Growing On Me Lately...

2007-03-22T09:23:00.000-04:00

"Fighting For It All"

You can try to keep me down
You can try to keep me under
But you'll never get my will,
You'll never take my will to fight
'Cause I was born at the bottom of this mountain
I'm scared and I'll probably climb it ,
Climb it till the day I die

All the things I know I needed
Just keeps me going
All the things I never had
Just keeps me wanting it more
Fighting for it all

I know I'm not that pretty
I'm only average smart
With an overwhelming uncanny need just to need to survive
But you can dig a grave six feet under
But you'll have to take me up
'Cause you know I won't be going alive

All the things I know I've needed
Just keeps me searching
All the things I never had
Just keeps me wanting it more
Fighting for it all

I never had a hero
Never met a saint
And there's nothing on this earth I can take with me
Anyway

All the things I know I've needed
Just keeps me going
All the things I never had
Just keeps me wanting it more
Fighting for it all
Fighting for it all

So, you can try to keep me down
You can try to keep me under
But you'll never get my will,
You'll never take my will to fight

Mindy Smith

Some Things In My Head...

2007-03-12T01:04:00.000-04:00

Why do I constantly fear disapproval of others? I have been noticing this in myself more often as of late. It is present in me almost daily. There are very few people with whom I am comfortable being completely me. I can probably count the number of people without running out of fingers. It has become prevalent in my new job situation as well. I am constantly wondering whether or not these people like me and have confidence in my ability to care for their children, and I only started both of these jobs last week. I hope that in time this fear will be put to rest, but in my last childcare situation it never was.
The thing is, I know who I am, and most of the time I evn like who I am. Why can't I be confident that other people will feel the same? - Or, why can't I make myself not care if they don't feel the same? After all, I did say that I am okay with who I am becoming. Shouldn't that be enough for me to be able to stand up for myself when put into awkward social situations. I mean honestly, the social situations I find myself in should not really be awkward....but I seem to always be on guard. I suppose we are all that way to some extend. Even those who claim to not care what others think do in some ways. I find that if I am hanging out with a group of people I need to feel completely comfortable with at least one person in the group to even be able to enjoy my time with them. I enjoy big groups of people, but only if the group includes certain people. hmm...
As for my new jobs, I suppose it is important for my employers to have confidence in my abilities, and thus it is a logical fear for me to have...but I also know that I am skilled enough to take care of their children. As for last week, in all reality, it probably went smoother than a lot of nanny first weeks do. For every little thing that COULD have gone better though, I beat myself up. I am sure that the moms are okay with the fact that on my first day the macaroni was hard or that I forgot to put the bib on the baby BEFORE I put her in the high chair...In fact, they were probably thrilled that I made it through the first day without any major mishaps. Why can't I rest knowing that my abilites and heart will speak for themselves?
To be able to enjoy living life with confidence in myself and without fear or intimidation of others - what would that be like and how do I get there? Thank you to those of you who have broken through my barriers and accepted me for everything that I am. I love and appreciate you more than I could ever show.

Sooo...

2007-03-03T21:36:00.000-05:00

I was hired on the spot today for a Wednesday nanny job. Begining in May it will be Monday/Wednesday. Soo, that leaves 2 days at LaRosa's for now and later only 1. There are three kids in this family. 6 yr old twins - 1 boy and 1 girl and a 9 mo old baby boy. I will either be starting this week or next, and I am SUPER excited. I start my Tuesday/Thursday job this week also. Both jobs seem to be somewhat long term, so I am extremely relieved...

Sounds Pretty Accurate

2007-02-28T12:19:00.000-05:00

My Personality


Neuroticism	32
Extraversion	48
Openness To Experience	16
Agreeableness	95
Conscientiousness	83

You are neither a subdued loner nor a jovial chatterbox. You enjoy time with others but also time alone. You are generally calm and composed, reacting moderately well to situations that most people would describe as stressful. As a practical person you like to think in plain and simple terms. Others describe you as down-to-earth, practical, and conservative. You have a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You set clear goals and pursue them with determination. People regard you as reliable and hard-working.

Test Yourself Compare Yourself

I'm On a Roll...

2007-02-22T22:40:00.000-05:00

Something really cool happened at work today, and I thought I would share it with all 5 of my readers...

First of all, I was only scheduled to work this morning. However, someone called off for the evening shift and I was asked to stay until 1st cut tonight. I decided that since I had had such a productive and good day yesterday, and I don't have to work at all tomorrow, I could probably be okay working a double today. Our newest manager, Craig was working. He doesn't have everything figured out yet and can sometimes be frustrating, because he doesn't cut servers as early as he should. I wasn't too worried about it though, because he has been getting better. But then we got busy, and everyone was running around. We didn't slow down until around 8, and the place was a pretty big mess. Servers were complaining and Craig decided to show them all who was boss by not cutting. I was irritated to say the least. I ended up having all of my outwork finished by the time I was cut from the list...and he cut us all at the same time. I was specifically made 1st out, because I wasn't scheduled. I decided that I wanted to tell him in a non-disrespectful way that I was frustrated. He ended up apologizing, saying he took out his frustrations with a few whiny servers on everyone...and that he wanted me to know that he does appreciate the hard work that I do...and that he trusts me. He even told me to give him my opinion when I think he's doing a bad job as a manager. There aren't many servers who would be allowed to do that...It was refreshing to know that my hard work does show and is appreciated. I think this is a fine example that to gain respect by giving it. Perhaps this is a lesson Craig should learn when it comes to treating his servers. Maybe that'll be the next opinion I'll give him...

Two in One Day...

2007-02-21T23:12:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. I cleaned up my apartment, which always makes me feel better. I got a new job....not one of the nanny placement jobs, but a child care position I interviewed for last week. It is working for Cindi Cooper's daughter, who has a 6 mo old baby girl. It will be tuesdays and thursdays. The pay isn't what I would normally ask for, but it will make my income somewhat consistent. And, I will love it. I get to play with a baby, and when the baby is sleeping I can watch movies or read a book. I am EXTREMELY excited. I also got to hang out with my good friend, Bradley, whom I had not hung out with in a long time. And, I just returned from Applebees where I hung out with the newly engaged Becky Read and Daniel Smyth....*sigh*...twas a fantastic day :)

An Update In Order...

2007-02-21T11:06:00.000-05:00

A lot has been going through my head during this new class-free world I am in. I haven't really blogged much lately, b/c that would have required sorting it all out. So far I am still just working at LaRosa's and hanging out. While I am enjoying the chance to relax some and not have homework, it all seems a bit mundane. I am tired of my job and ready for a change. I'm finally working enough to be making as much as I spend in a month, but I'm ready for something more. I had another phone call about some nanny jobs from the agency, but its hard to say if anyone will actually call about an interview. It would be a really great opportunity if it all worked out, but I am trying not to get my hopes up. I have heard a lot of people say that a lot of employers don't really care what your degree is, so long as you have one...but I can't seem to locate employers like this...So, with my job situation, frustrations are increasing...

I've also found myself longing to jump ahead in life again. It's like I feel the need to constantly be figuring some new part out. Before I was through with undergrad I needed to know where I was going next. I wanted to do it all myself and be in complete control. I stressed and screamed about it for a couple of years, and when God finally revealed what He wanted me to do on the very last day of undergrad, I am sure he laughed at my lack of trust. Yet I find myself doing the exact same thing, only this time with my (hopefully) upcoming family life. I think that I put this worry on hold for awhile, while I was figuring other things out, but it seems to be resurfacing. I see a baby and I long for one of my own, even though I realize that even if I had someone I wanted to marry I would be nowhere near ready to have a baby. I am feeling the need to search for a romantic relationship even with no options. And so, just as I couldn't trust God to show me where to go from undergrad, I also cannot trust him to provide the person with whom I will spend the rest of my life whenever the time is right. I am sure that 6 mo, a year, 2 years....down the road when the time finally comes, He will again laugh at me as I continue to learn the same lesson over and over again.

A Little Bit Goes A Long Way

2007-02-10T22:05:00.000-05:00

So today I had the WORST day at work. I had to go in at 11:30 this morning. I worked a double, so I didn't get to go home until the dinner rush was over. All day long I was getting crappy tips. Just about everyone was giving me 10 percent or less. It's very frustrating when that happens. As a server it makes you wonder, "what's the point??." It just kept happening all day, and all I wanted to do was go home. Then, one of my last tables left me $10 on a $23 check. It made me want to cry. I felt so much better about being there all day, and like my service had actually meant something to at least two people. I still left with $30 under the desired 20 percent, but I didn't feel quite so bad about it anymore....sooo, I guess what I'm saying is, when you're nice to your servers, they really do appreciate it. It can make a world of difference on a bad day.

Where I've Been....

2007-02-06T17:52:00.000-05:00

The internet in my building has been shut off for almost a week now. Apparently someone in the building (not me!) has a virus and their computer and it is sending out mass amounts of spam. Time Warner shut off our service until the problem is sorted out :( I am currently at my mom's house. I came home on Sunday so that my dad could fix my car. (it was making a new quite loud squeaking noise when I turned it on...) I will be returning to Cincinnati tomorrow (wednesday) hopefully after the snow has been cleared...My car is fixed. Thankfully, a belt only needed tightening. I am not sure when I'll have internet access again. Hopefully it won't be too much longer...

Frustrated

2007-01-26T20:10:00.000-05:00

I am sooo ready to be completely better! All I have done for the last four days is lay around on my couch. I am feeling much better now, but I still can't keep any food in me. No food = no nutrition = no energy. I'm getting very wrestless. I just want to be able to eat and be up and around like normal!!

EWWW

2007-01-23T04:12:00.000-05:00

I think I have the flu :(

Crazy!

2007-01-23T00:17:00.000-05:00

Today I saw a guy on tv who was 30 years old and in his 13th year of college. He had already taken over 300 credit hours but had yet to graduate. His reasons sounded familiar - He kept hearing how college was going to be the best time of his life - He loved the family and community he had attained in college friendships - He didn't know what he wanted to do next. Basically, it all boiled down to the fact that he was scared to move on. As I watched, I kept thinking that I had also experienced the same fears as I was about to graduate (and frankly, a lot of them are still there,) but I cannot imagine being so afraid that I would stick around for 13 years! Though the phase I have entered will likely be the most difficult time of my life, I imagine that it will also be one of the most rewarding. I feel that once I have figured out the answers to all of the questions and have made it through, I will experience the greatest sense of accomplishment to date. I cannot imagine being so terrified that I would want to miss out on or postpone this accomplishment. On the show they even had coauthors of a book. I wish I would've thought to write down the name of the book. The authors talked of how in this day and age 20 somethings have more to fear than those of previous generations, and that the sense of fear when transitioning into adulthood is warranted. The book, apparently, talks of how to make it through this stage. hmm....why didn't i write down the title??

Happy Birthday to Me

2007-01-16T23:08:00.000-05:00

I am officially as old as my mother was when she had me....weird. It was another good birthday. Thank you to all of my friends who left me birthday messages and to the ones who came out to dinner tonight. I love good people :) And may we never eat another bite of carmel pie again!

Oh Pachelbel, how I loathe thee...

2007-01-11T22:37:00.000-05:00

Hilarious....